I still get very annoyed by technology even though I’m up to it, but sometimes it becomes the reason for my discomfort. I thought that with technology life would be easier, faster and up-to-date but because of these much speed it lacks a foundation.  My keyboard’s A button was destroyed a month ago and mom tried to fix it by gluing the button back with a strong one. It’s pretty hard to push because you need to exert a little pressure before the letter A pops out on the screen...

Microsoft Word 2007 looked delicious when I first used it. The interface looks sleek and glossy and I’m using the black interface.  You know what I pissed off about this new word because of the forms. Today, my dad asked me if I could type him some documents he wanted to use for his next insurance trip so I did it and it took me a day to finish because I had to type numbers in a table and looking at trying to type those docs made my eyes hurt...made me so tired today.

I almost lost my cool with dad but good thing that I was watching myself and I didn’t fall but I’ll never know when’s the next time I’d lose it. I know its a bad habit I’ve been searching for free ebooks about personality and attitude change. I wanna start being proactive again and not just use it as means but as an end and not just the end of it!

Prior from writing this I was thinking to myself about my life right now. Contemplation.  My thoughts were centered on my love life but before that I was trying to think of changing my career and course of study...I was thinking of studying under mass communication for a change and thought if it’ll get into a good job because my mom told me I’d get a job anywhere with that, but that superficial thinking...so before I also thought of accountancy because I love libraries and inventory checking stuff...then I wanted to try out business and entrepreneurship. So, I have a lot of things in my mind these days mostly about my future, my ever growing age and destiny. Where I’ll be in life. What will be my life. Who will be with me in my life.

The future is bleak. When I think how my future will be it keeps on getting more complex and farther away from me. I read once in a magazine where Nelly Furtado was being interviewed and in one moment of her life she asked herself this, “Will I’ll be here forever?” Its in one of my magazines and I can’t remember which was it, but I felt at that time when she revealed that she worked as a cleaner or waitress in a hotel and when she asked herself that. It made me feel that way. Will I’ll be stuck here forever in this big ol’ house with everyone? I was wrong because nothing is allowed to stay in one place forever...forever is not enough and change doesn’t give a damn.

This summer I never thought that that would be the last time I will ever see grandma, decode what she was saying, and buy her food like the 5 pesos bread she’d want to eat at night, the coke and everything. It took me at least 2 days to get up and stop being depressed from her departure but my parents were there and kept everything stable for me. Although the past few months were a little rocky and ugly we pulled through.

Last November I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I love him but I doubted myself if I really did and doubted in his love. I annoyed him with a question repeatedly but all he says that I needed to trust him and that’s it. Honestly, I love and trust him but the distance, people, and environment we were both in just wasn’t right. It wasn’t right to begin with.  I cried for that guy dammit and went against everything quietly yet in that silence I might’ve wished for something that I thought was good for the both of us, maybe God heard that silence and tried to help me realize that it wasn’t the time to be in love or be in a relationship...even still now I’m afraid of the next one, but I’m more afraid of the after taste of love and pleasure.

Today he might’ve finally decided that it was time to move on and erasing those memories we had together was a good sign yet I’m scared to death if he lied to me about it.  It hurts a little to know that its gone because I love the way he keeps it, but I want it to be fair for the both of us...And it’s time to let go of the past no matter how precious it was all there is left would be the after taste and memories we both shared between us.