Another week of duty assigned in the dr for our completion of requirements. I need 5 cases out of 5 assigned roles before I can graduate. Right now I feel pretty sleepy while my head is aching like crazy. Life isn't so exciting when you don't see the real point of what you're doing. I've been taking my whole schooling for granted and I never realized how much I am wasting my time doing things I thought I just had to do because I am oblige to it when in fact I need to give my whole self into it. 

These dreams and thoughts swirl in my mind like ripples in the water, Ripples that easily fade away into another, I dream about a lot of things in my life but when I write it in simple terms its only to become rich, powerful, respected, and beautiful. 

I am a firm believer in fortune telling not because it's fun and exciting but it gives me hope and tells me what I really need to see sometimes I don't get it and don't like what says but what they show is true. 

Today I was told that maybe I was wrong that I should be sure of what I am saying. Maybe he was right that I should had been but if he wanted to be sure he could've just went to the patient and recheck the baby's measurements again. It's not hard is it? Then he could correct me. 

Another thing is, I really couldn't care any more or less about what I do but I'm eager to learn from my mistakes but it feels so hard to do just that when you're just an average skilled person who does not show interest in anything except drawing and reading comic books. 

I really feel low about my self in this area. It's not that I can't handle a little heat but I just dont see where I can fit in that world where every one's trying to survive and help their families. 

I love my family too their my reason, light, and support that gives me that little push to move on and become what I need to become. Over come what I have to and be really show who I am. 

Sometimes I feel a little jealous about my lucky brother. He has it all right now but I sometimes think that his way too selfish and calculating but he does it for some reason as well yet I just wished that he could be a little more sensitive to what I feel about going to nursing school. 

No one really seems to get the deal that I dislike nursing. I really hate it. I really. really. do. 

I just can't see myself doing this and that and having to talk to people I can't stand. For fuck sake's I hate being in a crowded place! I hate where people are flocking together! I hate people who jokes around with sarcasm so they could gain popularity! 

Fuck 

Fuck

Fuck

!!!

!!

!

"Sighs" 

At times I wonder why I'm doing this when I could just stop and move somewhere else. 

Do I sound wrong? Is my thinking wrong? What so wrong about thinking like this? Saying what I feel like saying? Saying that I need to breathe? Why do people have to be involve with every thing I do? Why can't they leave me alone for once? Am I that obvious to your eyes that you can't seem to shake it off? Huh? huh?! 

God, I really hate this feeling every time I start writing and I end up writing emotionally when at first I'm just holding myself back. I want to blab. I want to talk. I want to say what I feel like saying. I don't care if anyone gets me or gets hurt that's their problem not mine I'm only human!!!!

F UUUUUCCCCKKK!!!!! D:: :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:

So I feel like a real monkey show to people. 

They don't care, I don't care, So who cares? 

It hurts to think about it. I really hate them. I really. reaally do. It's because of them I can't seem to move a muscle. I'm not free to do anything I want. I can't excel in anything because I cant forget that their at my back watching. watching. when they could just leave me alone. 

I really hate how I turned out to be. 

Such a loser. 

I am such a loser. 

I hate myself so much I just wished I could've died or worse I want to die so I can sleep and rest forever. 

I know its not yet my time but I really want to sleep so badly. 

I think about all the things that people are going to say when I fail. 

I think about all the mean and taunting words they spit at me when I try.

I think why should I do this when I can't even do it. 

No one every thinks and show off like their better than the rest. 

But I don't care let them shine it won't be long til they'll lose that shining arrogance. 

I'm just glad I'm safe in the dark. 

Because there is light after the dark. 

I'm tired about every one. I don't give a damn of what they want. I JUST WANT TO LIVE.