Another week of duty assigned in the dr for our completion of requirements. I need 5 cases out of 5 assigned roles before I can graduate. Right now I feel pretty sleepy while my head is aching like crazy. Life isn't so exciting when you don't see the real point of what you're doing. I've been taking my whole schooling for granted and I never realized how much I am wasting my time doing things I thought I just had to do because I am oblige to it when in fact I need to give my whole self into it. 

These dreams and thoughts swirl in my mind like ripples in the water, Ripples that easily fade away into another, I dream about a lot of things in my life but when I write it in simple terms its only to become rich, powerful, respected, and beautiful. 

I am a firm believer in fortune telling not because it's fun and exciting but it gives me hope and tells me what I really need to see sometimes I don't get it and don't like what says but what they show is true. 

Today I was told that maybe I was wrong that I should be sure of what I am saying. Maybe he was right that I should had been but if he wanted to be sure he could've just went to the patient and recheck the baby's measurements again. It's not hard is it? Then he could correct me. 

Another thing is, I really couldn't care any more or less about what I do but I'm eager to learn from my mistakes but it feels so hard to do just that when you're just an average skilled person who does not show interest in anything except drawing and reading comic books. 

I really feel low about my self in this area. It's not that I can't handle a little heat but I just dont see where I can fit in that world where every one's trying to survive and help their families. 

I love my family too their my reason, light, and support that gives me that little push to move on and become what I need to become. Over come what I have to and be really show who I am. 

Sometimes I feel a little jealous about my lucky brother. He has it all right now but I sometimes think that his way too selfish and calculating but he does it for some reason as well yet I just wished that he could be a little more sensitive to what I feel about going to nursing school. 

No one really seems to get the deal that I dislike nursing. I really hate it. I really. really. do. 

I just can't see myself doing this and that and having to talk to people I can't stand. For fuck sake's I hate being in a crowded place! I hate where people are flocking together! I hate people who jokes around with sarcasm so they could gain popularity! 

Fuck 

Fuck

Fuck

!!!

!!

!

"Sighs" 

At times I wonder why I'm doing this when I could just stop and move somewhere else. 

Do I sound wrong? Is my thinking wrong? What so wrong about thinking like this? Saying what I feel like saying? Saying that I need to breathe? Why do people have to be involve with every thing I do? Why can't they leave me alone for once? Am I that obvious to your eyes that you can't seem to shake it off? Huh? huh?! 

God, I really hate this feeling every time I start writing and I end up writing emotionally when at first I'm just holding myself back. I want to blab. I want to talk. I want to say what I feel like saying. I don't care if anyone gets me or gets hurt that's their problem not mine I'm only human!!!!

F UUUUUCCCCKKK!!!!! D:: :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:

So I feel like a real monkey show to people. 

They don't care, I don't care, So who cares? 

It hurts to think about it. I really hate them. I really. reaally do. It's because of them I can't seem to move a muscle. I'm not free to do anything I want. I can't excel in anything because I cant forget that their at my back watching. watching. when they could just leave me alone. 

I really hate how I turned out to be. 

Such a loser. 

I am such a loser. 

I hate myself so much I just wished I could've died or worse I want to die so I can sleep and rest forever. 

I know its not yet my time but I really want to sleep so badly. 

I think about all the things that people are going to say when I fail. 

I think about all the mean and taunting words they spit at me when I try.

I think why should I do this when I can't even do it. 

No one every thinks and show off like their better than the rest. 

But I don't care let them shine it won't be long til they'll lose that shining arrogance. 

I'm just glad I'm safe in the dark. 

Because there is light after the dark. 

I'm tired about every one. I don't give a damn of what they want. I JUST WANT TO LIVE. 

F A M I L Y 

Problems

I've thought it out recently but it still is in my mind. I wanted to write it down so whenever I'm angry I'll read this post here and remind myself why I'm still stuck with my parents. 

First, I have the right to freedom,  voice my opinion, and follow my interest good or bad. I am a good person at heart I do not wish harm to anyone my intentions are purely for myself and to better my living conditions...I'm already 18 years old I don't want to wait for forever to get a job, earn money and buy my own car and house. I don't plan to go abroad yet until I am not established here. I want to experience life first here in my homeland before going abroad. I don't plan on marrying or become a single mom or have live in affairs that is just not who I am. You may say that once the taste of heaven comes I'll want to want it forever. No, I have full control of my urges and as a female I am responsible to my body and myself. I will never let anyone look down on me, pity me or even cry for me because I only cry for myself. I wasted my tears on a man who gave me a taste of that dream but I shattered that relationship so I could wake up from it. Thank goodness nothing bad ever happened to me back then. 

Second, Parents shouldn't tell their children what they want us to do. I am not your slave, I won't do as you say and definitely will not follow into your dreams. I've come to realize that its up to me what I need to do for myself I don't need another person's opinion or their trust to finish what I started. In finances parents shouldn't threaten their children about withdrawing their payments for school or dropping them out. Some college students never make it at the end anyways. We're tight on budget because most of the money goes to my school, I have problems telling my parents what are the payments that needs to be done, I definitely hate nursing in universities they really eat up the paper then impose a new ends meet. I've seriously had it with my parents annoying nags and always always never leave me alone whenever I want to stay in my room. I've change that since last night I had a fight with my parents because I shouted at them for being so annoying. I told them a couple of times that I had an apron I thought that was what they meant. I can't stand it when someone knocks on my door, stands  behind my door, or even talk behind it. I just can't stand that annoyance. I seriously need a new place to live. AWAY FROM MY PARENTS.

Third, Relationships are the worst! I dreamt of having the perfect guy to become my boyfriend but I never saw myself happy within a family, having kids, and becoming a mother or wife. When I do I end up running away from that leaving the husband and kids to fend off for themselves. My mother kept complaining how we're all a bunch of pigs doing nothing except make more trouble in the home and leave it there. If I'd live in my own I'll seriously show it to her that I can survive in my own way. About crushes and group pairings in class and duty it totally sucks not every guy or girl in class have the looks or even the personality (And I'm one of those people).  Study for yourself is the best option but you need to get help by and by especially when it doesn't sink into your head at all and no matter how hard you understand it it just doesn't seem right. Groups are ok but unless you want nick names and a posse go ahead. 

Now, I really consider myself a total sociopath. These days I just find myself reading too much shoujo manga, drawing alot of characters and killing time writing stories or logs. Sighs, I'm very stressed out in school and very very depressed about my grades in CHN I seriously hate those examinations especially when you guys meet only for a week and the exam can't fit in that span then the next thing I hate the most is those major exams on CHN I barely can get through reading my notes because their all so boring. Why the hell do I want to be a CH nurse anyway! I hate the heat! God, I can't take this anymore. 

For the rest of you reading this. Stop & Think . Before criticizing what you've read. If your just a total n00b then GTFO! if your a troll or lurker just discard what you read. Anyways, Its not even helpful to what your doing online.

Its exactly 1 am in the morning I have duty around 6  I don't plan on sleeping until I'm finished writing my requirements. God, I can't even tell you what a hastle our requirements is! You know what with this new uni status in the institution I'm going I couldn't even buy a frickin CER and they told us that they don't tell you what you need to do. At least give us a list or an overview what the hells a fucking bulletin board for! 

sighs...

Queen Seon Deok (Soundtrack)

HI ALL!!! The compilation of Queen Seon Deok Sound track can be download here The file is .rar so you can unrar it after downloading, Hope you Queen Seon Deok's sound tracks as much as I did. I <3>