F A M I L Y 

Problems

I've thought it out recently but it still is in my mind. I wanted to write it down so whenever I'm angry I'll read this post here and remind myself why I'm still stuck with my parents. 

First, I have the right to freedom,  voice my opinion, and follow my interest good or bad. I am a good person at heart I do not wish harm to anyone my intentions are purely for myself and to better my living conditions...I'm already 18 years old I don't want to wait for forever to get a job, earn money and buy my own car and house. I don't plan to go abroad yet until I am not established here. I want to experience life first here in my homeland before going abroad. I don't plan on marrying or become a single mom or have live in affairs that is just not who I am. You may say that once the taste of heaven comes I'll want to want it forever. No, I have full control of my urges and as a female I am responsible to my body and myself. I will never let anyone look down on me, pity me or even cry for me because I only cry for myself. I wasted my tears on a man who gave me a taste of that dream but I shattered that relationship so I could wake up from it. Thank goodness nothing bad ever happened to me back then. 

Second, Parents shouldn't tell their children what they want us to do. I am not your slave, I won't do as you say and definitely will not follow into your dreams. I've come to realize that its up to me what I need to do for myself I don't need another person's opinion or their trust to finish what I started. In finances parents shouldn't threaten their children about withdrawing their payments for school or dropping them out. Some college students never make it at the end anyways. We're tight on budget because most of the money goes to my school, I have problems telling my parents what are the payments that needs to be done, I definitely hate nursing in universities they really eat up the paper then impose a new ends meet. I've seriously had it with my parents annoying nags and always always never leave me alone whenever I want to stay in my room. I've change that since last night I had a fight with my parents because I shouted at them for being so annoying. I told them a couple of times that I had an apron I thought that was what they meant. I can't stand it when someone knocks on my door, stands  behind my door, or even talk behind it. I just can't stand that annoyance. I seriously need a new place to live. AWAY FROM MY PARENTS.

Third, Relationships are the worst! I dreamt of having the perfect guy to become my boyfriend but I never saw myself happy within a family, having kids, and becoming a mother or wife. When I do I end up running away from that leaving the husband and kids to fend off for themselves. My mother kept complaining how we're all a bunch of pigs doing nothing except make more trouble in the home and leave it there. If I'd live in my own I'll seriously show it to her that I can survive in my own way. About crushes and group pairings in class and duty it totally sucks not every guy or girl in class have the looks or even the personality (And I'm one of those people).  Study for yourself is the best option but you need to get help by and by especially when it doesn't sink into your head at all and no matter how hard you understand it it just doesn't seem right. Groups are ok but unless you want nick names and a posse go ahead. 

Now, I really consider myself a total sociopath. These days I just find myself reading too much shoujo manga, drawing alot of characters and killing time writing stories or logs. Sighs, I'm very stressed out in school and very very depressed about my grades in CHN I seriously hate those examinations especially when you guys meet only for a week and the exam can't fit in that span then the next thing I hate the most is those major exams on CHN I barely can get through reading my notes because their all so boring. Why the hell do I want to be a CH nurse anyway! I hate the heat! God, I can't take this anymore. 

For the rest of you reading this. Stop & Think . Before criticizing what you've read. If your just a total n00b then GTFO! if your a troll or lurker just discard what you read. Anyways, Its not even helpful to what your doing online.

Its exactly 1 am in the morning I have duty around 6  I don't plan on sleeping until I'm finished writing my requirements. God, I can't even tell you what a hastle our requirements is! You know what with this new uni status in the institution I'm going I couldn't even buy a frickin CER and they told us that they don't tell you what you need to do. At least give us a list or an overview what the hells a fucking bulletin board for! 

sighs...

I still get very annoyed by technology even though I’m up to it, but sometimes it becomes the reason for my discomfort. I thought that with technology life would be easier, faster and up-to-date but because of these much speed it lacks a foundation.  My keyboard’s A button was destroyed a month ago and mom tried to fix it by gluing the button back with a strong one. It’s pretty hard to push because you need to exert a little pressure before the letter A pops out on the screen...

Microsoft Word 2007 looked delicious when I first used it. The interface looks sleek and glossy and I’m using the black interface.  You know what I pissed off about this new word because of the forms. Today, my dad asked me if I could type him some documents he wanted to use for his next insurance trip so I did it and it took me a day to finish because I had to type numbers in a table and looking at trying to type those docs made my eyes hurt...made me so tired today.

I almost lost my cool with dad but good thing that I was watching myself and I didn’t fall but I’ll never know when’s the next time I’d lose it. I know its a bad habit I’ve been searching for free ebooks about personality and attitude change. I wanna start being proactive again and not just use it as means but as an end and not just the end of it!

Prior from writing this I was thinking to myself about my life right now. Contemplation.  My thoughts were centered on my love life but before that I was trying to think of changing my career and course of study...I was thinking of studying under mass communication for a change and thought if it’ll get into a good job because my mom told me I’d get a job anywhere with that, but that superficial thinking...so before I also thought of accountancy because I love libraries and inventory checking stuff...then I wanted to try out business and entrepreneurship. So, I have a lot of things in my mind these days mostly about my future, my ever growing age and destiny. Where I’ll be in life. What will be my life. Who will be with me in my life.

The future is bleak. When I think how my future will be it keeps on getting more complex and farther away from me. I read once in a magazine where Nelly Furtado was being interviewed and in one moment of her life she asked herself this, “Will I’ll be here forever?” Its in one of my magazines and I can’t remember which was it, but I felt at that time when she revealed that she worked as a cleaner or waitress in a hotel and when she asked herself that. It made me feel that way. Will I’ll be stuck here forever in this big ol’ house with everyone? I was wrong because nothing is allowed to stay in one place forever...forever is not enough and change doesn’t give a damn.

This summer I never thought that that would be the last time I will ever see grandma, decode what she was saying, and buy her food like the 5 pesos bread she’d want to eat at night, the coke and everything. It took me at least 2 days to get up and stop being depressed from her departure but my parents were there and kept everything stable for me. Although the past few months were a little rocky and ugly we pulled through.

Last November I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I love him but I doubted myself if I really did and doubted in his love. I annoyed him with a question repeatedly but all he says that I needed to trust him and that’s it. Honestly, I love and trust him but the distance, people, and environment we were both in just wasn’t right. It wasn’t right to begin with.  I cried for that guy dammit and went against everything quietly yet in that silence I might’ve wished for something that I thought was good for the both of us, maybe God heard that silence and tried to help me realize that it wasn’t the time to be in love or be in a relationship...even still now I’m afraid of the next one, but I’m more afraid of the after taste of love and pleasure.

Today he might’ve finally decided that it was time to move on and erasing those memories we had together was a good sign yet I’m scared to death if he lied to me about it.  It hurts a little to know that its gone because I love the way he keeps it, but I want it to be fair for the both of us...And it’s time to let go of the past no matter how precious it was all there is left would be the after taste and memories we both shared between us.

Tried to change my blogs background using a nice jpg image from simplechic, but apparently it didn't work out as I thought so I decided to stick with shabby blogs because they instantly not fuck up my blog a lot and whats more is that you just have to add the code on the layout part, click and voila! *whines* I seriously want this blog to work out! It's been with me for over a year now and I'm still not doing something right?!? Y.Y GRRR!!! HTML definitely suxs right now! My head hurts and all my energy is lost from looking at this screen for 2 hours now. I wonder what I'll try to write next time...