Another week of duty assigned in the dr for our completion of requirements. I need 5 cases out of 5 assigned roles before I can graduate. Right now I feel pretty sleepy while my head is aching like crazy. Life isn't so exciting when you don't see the real point of what you're doing. I've been taking my whole schooling for granted and I never realized how much I am wasting my time doing things I thought I just had to do because I am oblige to it when in fact I need to give my whole self into it. 

These dreams and thoughts swirl in my mind like ripples in the water, Ripples that easily fade away into another, I dream about a lot of things in my life but when I write it in simple terms its only to become rich, powerful, respected, and beautiful. 

I am a firm believer in fortune telling not because it's fun and exciting but it gives me hope and tells me what I really need to see sometimes I don't get it and don't like what says but what they show is true. 

Today I was told that maybe I was wrong that I should be sure of what I am saying. Maybe he was right that I should had been but if he wanted to be sure he could've just went to the patient and recheck the baby's measurements again. It's not hard is it? Then he could correct me. 

Another thing is, I really couldn't care any more or less about what I do but I'm eager to learn from my mistakes but it feels so hard to do just that when you're just an average skilled person who does not show interest in anything except drawing and reading comic books. 

I really feel low about my self in this area. It's not that I can't handle a little heat but I just dont see where I can fit in that world where every one's trying to survive and help their families. 

I love my family too their my reason, light, and support that gives me that little push to move on and become what I need to become. Over come what I have to and be really show who I am. 

Sometimes I feel a little jealous about my lucky brother. He has it all right now but I sometimes think that his way too selfish and calculating but he does it for some reason as well yet I just wished that he could be a little more sensitive to what I feel about going to nursing school. 

No one really seems to get the deal that I dislike nursing. I really hate it. I really. really. do. 

I just can't see myself doing this and that and having to talk to people I can't stand. For fuck sake's I hate being in a crowded place! I hate where people are flocking together! I hate people who jokes around with sarcasm so they could gain popularity! 

Fuck 

Fuck

Fuck

!!!

!!

!

"Sighs" 

At times I wonder why I'm doing this when I could just stop and move somewhere else. 

Do I sound wrong? Is my thinking wrong? What so wrong about thinking like this? Saying what I feel like saying? Saying that I need to breathe? Why do people have to be involve with every thing I do? Why can't they leave me alone for once? Am I that obvious to your eyes that you can't seem to shake it off? Huh? huh?! 

God, I really hate this feeling every time I start writing and I end up writing emotionally when at first I'm just holding myself back. I want to blab. I want to talk. I want to say what I feel like saying. I don't care if anyone gets me or gets hurt that's their problem not mine I'm only human!!!!

F UUUUUCCCCKKK!!!!! D:: :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:

So I feel like a real monkey show to people. 

They don't care, I don't care, So who cares? 

It hurts to think about it. I really hate them. I really. reaally do. It's because of them I can't seem to move a muscle. I'm not free to do anything I want. I can't excel in anything because I cant forget that their at my back watching. watching. when they could just leave me alone. 

I really hate how I turned out to be. 

Such a loser. 

I am such a loser. 

I hate myself so much I just wished I could've died or worse I want to die so I can sleep and rest forever. 

I know its not yet my time but I really want to sleep so badly. 

I think about all the things that people are going to say when I fail. 

I think about all the mean and taunting words they spit at me when I try.

I think why should I do this when I can't even do it. 

No one every thinks and show off like their better than the rest. 

But I don't care let them shine it won't be long til they'll lose that shining arrogance. 

I'm just glad I'm safe in the dark. 

Because there is light after the dark. 

I'm tired about every one. I don't give a damn of what they want. I JUST WANT TO LIVE. 

Two Guys

I'm still baffled who these two guys are in my dreams. One is Asian looking the other is White and I'm scared cause I had a dream with these two guys in it and their always together but sometimes they aren't together in my dreams. It's really annoying and scary that these two would know each other or whatevs!!!

The White dude profile

I can only describe him as a masculine type of guy who has curly-ish blondish red head in some of my dreams he has brown hair but I can't see it well cause sometimes his profile gets outline by some weird warm light like the suns (Omigosh Apollo? XDDD that'd be so hot!!! *0*) I've seen him wear black most of the time his style is like an russian mobster hahah or else a young rebellious person...he mostly wear long black pants or cargos. His handsome considering he can be a total prick at times in my dream and then his cute at times when he tried to comfort me once XDDD

The Asian dude profile

Well this guy makes me queasy his kind of mysterious he looks like uchiha sasuke O__O sometimes he just plain hot XDDD heheh This guy wears white emo-ish clothes and then he looks down on me like he hates me or just think I'm annoying. There was one time when he tried to see what stupid thing I was doing---Tarot reading---he tried to take forcefully one of my cards and I reacted angrily at him then he got angry and annoyed and threw my cards away thats when the white dude came and comforted me. XDDD
There are times I see him in the dark as well standing there I think his miserable, sad or just plain weird but when his alone and I stare into his eyes its as if there something painful inside him he cant tell to anybody. But when I see his eyes I see them come alive.
Sometimes we're together in my dreams doing couple stuffs

haaaah I'm such a weeeiiirdooo!!! =___=

Losing myself

Yer the prettiest thang I seen


I must be going crazy I'm getting flashbacks from my childhood memories being sick is like getting ready to die and you get all sentimental while watching tv, surfing the net for music then getting all mopey 'Why you haven't found a single boyfriend in your life to serve as your emotional punchy bag' Then ' Ahhh get myself a freaking lover!'

huhuh and I wanted to write down that weird fairy dream I had XDDD

oh the muses!!!!!!!!!!

Oh! The debonaire!

Life have been simple for me. KKK do you know what that stands for? In my dialect it's Kaon, Katug, Kalibang!!! (Eat, Sleep, Shit.) Do you know what I hate the most? EVERYTHING. Why? because I said so...Okay, maybe not everything but I've always had this feeling of hate/love relationship with everyone and everything.

'People die'

My mantra, If you don't believe then you suck!

My life as I said is simple...Live life and then do what you can do with it KKK was the easy thing to say but then I have to explain it deeply for you. DEAR.AUDIENCE.
I am an open person---to myself and to the people----way too open. People might mistake my mind as an hell hole for the thrash I've consumed over the years from watching tv and southpark ( Southpark rocks you don't! ) This life could've continue like it had always been...Me failing school, getting behind classes, dream about on my chair, doodle shit on paper, and having no friends. That was the best part no friends it made me feel lonely but strong inside because I was doing stuff I like without another idiot hanging around me alot and talking about their home, houses, and stuff they've already thrown away...yeah it could be I was cynical too but I was young then and had peanuts for brain and still even now.

Being unfriendly was a trademark it made me like the j-princess of darkness cause I had a strong japanese features as they say and straight hair with streaks of perfect golden strands. It was the original plan my mom had cooked up as she experimented with dye to see how good it would look on her and her daughter was a perfect model. I , of course was reluctant and stupid enough to have fallen for her smoothering anger on me. So I grew like a popular princess on our street then as I reached my pre-teen years mom grimaced as she saw traces of baby fats undiminising from behind, side, front and almost every where---I was fat---end of story.

So I lost that golden popularity amongst my family and colleagues, but even if that happened I was never happy but glad because I was sick of being tag as a cute little girl ripped out from the pages and films of popular books and characters. I hated that but I never knew at once. Anger must've blinded me.

Now sitting in front of this computer I angst in glee as it is my hobby to angst all out without understanding what I've just typed.

My life I can say is the most boring of all and I like it that way with a hint of wishfulness that someday I'd get a man to have fun with and if I'm bored to kick around at.