Another week of duty assigned in the dr for our completion of requirements. I need 5 cases out of 5 assigned roles before I can graduate. Right now I feel pretty sleepy while my head is aching like crazy. Life isn't so exciting when you don't see the real point of what you're doing. I've been taking my whole schooling for granted and I never realized how much I am wasting my time doing things I thought I just had to do because I am oblige to it when in fact I need to give my whole self into it. 

These dreams and thoughts swirl in my mind like ripples in the water, Ripples that easily fade away into another, I dream about a lot of things in my life but when I write it in simple terms its only to become rich, powerful, respected, and beautiful. 

I am a firm believer in fortune telling not because it's fun and exciting but it gives me hope and tells me what I really need to see sometimes I don't get it and don't like what says but what they show is true. 

Today I was told that maybe I was wrong that I should be sure of what I am saying. Maybe he was right that I should had been but if he wanted to be sure he could've just went to the patient and recheck the baby's measurements again. It's not hard is it? Then he could correct me. 

Another thing is, I really couldn't care any more or less about what I do but I'm eager to learn from my mistakes but it feels so hard to do just that when you're just an average skilled person who does not show interest in anything except drawing and reading comic books. 

I really feel low about my self in this area. It's not that I can't handle a little heat but I just dont see where I can fit in that world where every one's trying to survive and help their families. 

I love my family too their my reason, light, and support that gives me that little push to move on and become what I need to become. Over come what I have to and be really show who I am. 

Sometimes I feel a little jealous about my lucky brother. He has it all right now but I sometimes think that his way too selfish and calculating but he does it for some reason as well yet I just wished that he could be a little more sensitive to what I feel about going to nursing school. 

No one really seems to get the deal that I dislike nursing. I really hate it. I really. really. do. 

I just can't see myself doing this and that and having to talk to people I can't stand. For fuck sake's I hate being in a crowded place! I hate where people are flocking together! I hate people who jokes around with sarcasm so they could gain popularity! 

Fuck 

Fuck

Fuck

!!!

!!

!

"Sighs" 

At times I wonder why I'm doing this when I could just stop and move somewhere else. 

Do I sound wrong? Is my thinking wrong? What so wrong about thinking like this? Saying what I feel like saying? Saying that I need to breathe? Why do people have to be involve with every thing I do? Why can't they leave me alone for once? Am I that obvious to your eyes that you can't seem to shake it off? Huh? huh?! 

God, I really hate this feeling every time I start writing and I end up writing emotionally when at first I'm just holding myself back. I want to blab. I want to talk. I want to say what I feel like saying. I don't care if anyone gets me or gets hurt that's their problem not mine I'm only human!!!!

F UUUUUCCCCKKK!!!!! D:: :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:

So I feel like a real monkey show to people. 

They don't care, I don't care, So who cares? 

It hurts to think about it. I really hate them. I really. reaally do. It's because of them I can't seem to move a muscle. I'm not free to do anything I want. I can't excel in anything because I cant forget that their at my back watching. watching. when they could just leave me alone. 

I really hate how I turned out to be. 

Such a loser. 

I am such a loser. 

I hate myself so much I just wished I could've died or worse I want to die so I can sleep and rest forever. 

I know its not yet my time but I really want to sleep so badly. 

I think about all the things that people are going to say when I fail. 

I think about all the mean and taunting words they spit at me when I try.

I think why should I do this when I can't even do it. 

No one every thinks and show off like their better than the rest. 

But I don't care let them shine it won't be long til they'll lose that shining arrogance. 

I'm just glad I'm safe in the dark. 

Because there is light after the dark. 

I'm tired about every one. I don't give a damn of what they want. I JUST WANT TO LIVE. 

I still get very annoyed by technology even though I’m up to it, but sometimes it becomes the reason for my discomfort. I thought that with technology life would be easier, faster and up-to-date but because of these much speed it lacks a foundation.  My keyboard’s A button was destroyed a month ago and mom tried to fix it by gluing the button back with a strong one. It’s pretty hard to push because you need to exert a little pressure before the letter A pops out on the screen...

Microsoft Word 2007 looked delicious when I first used it. The interface looks sleek and glossy and I’m using the black interface.  You know what I pissed off about this new word because of the forms. Today, my dad asked me if I could type him some documents he wanted to use for his next insurance trip so I did it and it took me a day to finish because I had to type numbers in a table and looking at trying to type those docs made my eyes hurt...made me so tired today.

I almost lost my cool with dad but good thing that I was watching myself and I didn’t fall but I’ll never know when’s the next time I’d lose it. I know its a bad habit I’ve been searching for free ebooks about personality and attitude change. I wanna start being proactive again and not just use it as means but as an end and not just the end of it!

Prior from writing this I was thinking to myself about my life right now. Contemplation.  My thoughts were centered on my love life but before that I was trying to think of changing my career and course of study...I was thinking of studying under mass communication for a change and thought if it’ll get into a good job because my mom told me I’d get a job anywhere with that, but that superficial thinking...so before I also thought of accountancy because I love libraries and inventory checking stuff...then I wanted to try out business and entrepreneurship. So, I have a lot of things in my mind these days mostly about my future, my ever growing age and destiny. Where I’ll be in life. What will be my life. Who will be with me in my life.

The future is bleak. When I think how my future will be it keeps on getting more complex and farther away from me. I read once in a magazine where Nelly Furtado was being interviewed and in one moment of her life she asked herself this, “Will I’ll be here forever?” Its in one of my magazines and I can’t remember which was it, but I felt at that time when she revealed that she worked as a cleaner or waitress in a hotel and when she asked herself that. It made me feel that way. Will I’ll be stuck here forever in this big ol’ house with everyone? I was wrong because nothing is allowed to stay in one place forever...forever is not enough and change doesn’t give a damn.

This summer I never thought that that would be the last time I will ever see grandma, decode what she was saying, and buy her food like the 5 pesos bread she’d want to eat at night, the coke and everything. It took me at least 2 days to get up and stop being depressed from her departure but my parents were there and kept everything stable for me. Although the past few months were a little rocky and ugly we pulled through.

Last November I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I love him but I doubted myself if I really did and doubted in his love. I annoyed him with a question repeatedly but all he says that I needed to trust him and that’s it. Honestly, I love and trust him but the distance, people, and environment we were both in just wasn’t right. It wasn’t right to begin with.  I cried for that guy dammit and went against everything quietly yet in that silence I might’ve wished for something that I thought was good for the both of us, maybe God heard that silence and tried to help me realize that it wasn’t the time to be in love or be in a relationship...even still now I’m afraid of the next one, but I’m more afraid of the after taste of love and pleasure.

Today he might’ve finally decided that it was time to move on and erasing those memories we had together was a good sign yet I’m scared to death if he lied to me about it.  It hurts a little to know that its gone because I love the way he keeps it, but I want it to be fair for the both of us...And it’s time to let go of the past no matter how precious it was all there is left would be the after taste and memories we both shared between us.

I had a dream last night, I was arguing with my parents about my admission slip when my father lost his head he teared the paper into four pieces. It made me mad so I took the paper back to my room and I rested there for abit I thought I feel asleep when I saw something outside the window, It was dark, big and I think it had scales of some sort but I guess it was only its tail. When I finally got out of the room my mother came at me yelling trying to find my admission slip so when I told her what happened and yelled at me again to bring it back to them. So, I did but I almost forgot where I placed it. I tried very hard searching for it inside my room when a thought hit me then I searched inside my tarot cards box and there I found it intact together but still torned and so I rushed out and brought it to them. The scene had change from room to kitchen and they were there cooking something...

Christmas is lonely without you...

Christmas is lonely without you luv, can't be satisfied with only the material stuff its you that I want but this yuletide is suicide Same old things nothing new to begin but memories that I made up with you And this Christmas I'm sharing a bowl of nacho's wit tha lord cuz we're family But its still is lonely without you... **** DON'T ASK.

PTC's and School Life

It's been a turbulent semester for me, I've been searching deep to find the answers and thankfully I did...I found a blog with a post entitled "How a Pinay Makes Money Online" (you can click on this link to check it out) If you think this is a scam so be it it all depends on YOU to decide whether it is one or not but I am not siding anyone in this because I too am looking for a quick and easy way to earn online part time because of my BSN. Yes, I'm studying up to be a nurse one day but my goal is to earn a degree and a license name plate. xD I'm testing this whole gimmick up but the truth is I'm getting irritated and frustrated over some PTC sites that promises you credits. Some are even crazier than simple PTC's like the one I signed up awhile ago in it I was supposed to click on an ad that was inline with tones of ads then there is this flashing yellow light on them once you see a count down number you need to click it before it runs out if you dont you lose the points and the chance to earn. Silly arent I? But I can't believe the author: PinoyDeal she's one beautiful, hard-working, career woman if I should say so myself! :] Well, I aspire to earn money part time but its tough just like the way you need to find a stable job and income. I promise myself that I will finish my BSN so I can a have degree which could open doors for me here and abroad but as my they say "You will have to become poor inorder to become a millionare some day", I don't know who said that but its quite hopeless to hear. I MUST FIND WAYS!

Terrible! Thing! To! Say!

Our body is one and only so we must take good care of it. But how and what can we do to take good care of it? The first thing that pops into my mind is exercising...Can't do it around this time because of my so-called hectic schedule. I've been trying to squeeze in time for that particular thing to happen heck even I wrote it once on my planner diary that my dad gave me at the start of the first semester. Now I'm stuck with my friend calls Bulimia~ sounds bulgy and fat to me and it doesnt help! Right. We all want that perfect flat stomach six pack abs but the increased projects and work we do in our lives makes me wanna just lie down and sleep for the rest of the day. Not too mention I hate the smell of the food here. I cant believe my room smells like laundry. The pink 3 walled room is connected to the bathroom and I can't seem to come here without sniffing some acrid molecules decompressing into my room (did I use that right?) Oh god. Finals are coming up the first halve of my first year in college is almost about to end and the second semester comes and its back to studying and exams!!! Dude, will I look good in that duty uniform? From what I can discern now my mom was right when she said that education is a race between human beings...I remember one documentary about the human females mating season that their likely to cheat on their father-like husbands for a more masculine-type of male...so their sperms and genes can be passed or mixed amongst her genes----that is definitely weird and educational!!! So all the churchs and jesus sayings about cheating is all about suppressing raw human instincts?! Okey~ if the church was a controller of these inner beastiality that we humans posess then is it something like defying the laws of nature and isn't nature GOD? Wheee~~~~ :DDD Gawd! I should finish reading my psychology tomorrow is gonna be one hellavu ride~~~~ and if I dont wake up at exactly 5 then I can forget reviewing for my chem labs test!

Depression

Its hard to deal with depression especially when problems within the family and your school start crashing in altogether on you. Mother said that I don't have a problem because I am just a child I shouldn't worry about anything in my life, It seems to me she just wants me to see her as a suffering martyr ever since my father became a wasted by-stander. I do not know how all of this happened so suddenly within one week and on my very first-second week of college drama. Recently I planned to change my pink rimmed glasses into dark thick ones because I think that it will make me look more sharper and stricter. :D Today we have new addition's in our N2 section a girl from California, A cute chubby guy, and some more people I haven't noticed yet. Maybe I turned out this way since I've stopped writing down what I felt...I tried to surpress really hard what I wanted to say to my parents. I've been giving off my negativity in class which caused a rolling impact of the wheel to turn down. I know I'm smart I love being able to chase wisdom yet somehow I feel as if there are things I have to start letting go and face the fact that I will never ever have my ways till I turn back again and start walking slow. I feel articulate at times but the rage buried beneath my soul isn't quite easy to handle...as if I house a certain kind of malefic green flame. It's both cold and hot...it can't be touched yet somehow hands are attracted to it...they seek it blindly tiring themselves and finally when the have it their eyes go blank with apathety. I can't help drawing on my notebook nowadays the feel of smooth inking makes me so happy and relieved. But I have my duties and I have to stick by it...till everything is settled I will try my best to enjoy this phase within my life.

Stressing out!

The first few weeks of college is already creating a buzz inside my head as if someone and everyone is aiming their guns at me then shooting me crazy with their never ending bullets. I go to school every day dressed to make me feel good and secure, but with eyes...I hate people staring at me or checking me out as if I'm some kind of Loser or Winner meat bag. I keep on telling my ma 'I know, I know it's just...(insert reason)' and she says the things I have to hear or else I'll keep falling down. Being in college doesn't make me feel trapped like back then now I just need a time to reassess things once again in a positive manner...or else I'll end up being stuck in a rut again. To start off I lost my interest in doing my chores and being active again in our house. I go to my classes everyday anxious about refreshing my school memories and killing time hanging out with the pipz and pupz... Just this week I had felt in several occasions a strong enigmatic hatred towards a person in our class and even a different but certainly well know annoying trait that I had tried years to escape. The same trait that almost led me to my dementia and destruction. What I want to say is... I'm apt to kill myself with some jumping and a nice razor blade to cut myself down the lane making sure I'm okey for the next day. Pitiful! I just hate being depressed it makes me feel so sober about life being a bitch and just taking it all in cause she's your mother. Another thing about my mother and family life...their pretty fucked ever since my dad started to show his potentials as a stand-by nowadays it makes me feel like I'm just going to school since I need to help these bastards get money while they piss it off somewhere near RLD. Mom is different now she's way too grim. Words can't even embody her whole state now she has to wake up early from now on inorder to smell the day ahead. Earning money while my dad tries to stray away from his supposed position. You know I even other dads they make it seem like life is a joke...The one's in the tv make them seem so perfect...covering all the imperfectness by their so called love. I hate it. I just wished that my dad would just some how say the truth. Like he just doesn't care anymore cause his old. Some times I wish that life would be different if only I wasn't born.

It looks CREEPY!!!! I like using the pen tool a lot ever since I started to do lineart images with my sketches after a while I got bored plus major head aches and decided to quit art. Last time it was writing then quitted then back to art then quit again and again hah! It really creeps me out my own pieces of art!!! I don't even think its art it's total crap!!!!!!

I came home feeling empty after hanging out with my friends at the mall. Everyone was having fun but I don't think the birthday girl was although she gave off a calm aura. It's been a month since we all last saw each other but it feels like eons!!! I had trouble making up my head whether I should go or not, but then I really wanted to wear my goth-fits yet my mom she told me I couldn't and she wouldn't chaperone me even if she wanted cause of that. It totally sucked we had a fit over cause I complained while throwing a fit behind her she overheard it and came back to punch me but she didn't and thank goodness! After that I cried myself to sleep (Hahaha ^__^;) When I think about it I know I was in the wrong I couldn't explain the things I really wanted to- even towards those open minded ones I really can't it must be because I have trouble communicating with people ( Though I'm kinda superficial in talking...). It was trippy last night cause I was blaming him suddenly since I brought him up on a conversation with a friend I never realized I was just hurting myself again. Those mental and emotional torments we're happening with a twist of negativeness... And I came to her birthday hang-out at the arcade saw a lot of fashionized teenage confirmist some wearing big printed shirts in caps saying 'Proud to be a...' here and there (Their pretty much shit to me even though its my own race...baaaah!!! ) Anyway, When I got home I went straight upstairs but after checking if the internet was plugged on so I went up and opened the previous photoshop tutorial tabs. Did some tweaking on some pics here and there and pretty much getting all uptight about my war with mom...As of now she told me she was the unforgiving type...It'll only be for awhile till our heads cool off for now I'd rather tweak some pics and master CS3

This style is called vintage I found it using on tutorial (sorry but I forgot to get the name and url I was in a random fit anyways) But this one v is my favorite XDDDDD