I still get very annoyed by technology even though I’m up to it, but sometimes it becomes the reason for my discomfort. I thought that with technology life would be easier, faster and up-to-date but because of these much speed it lacks a foundation.  My keyboard’s A button was destroyed a month ago and mom tried to fix it by gluing the button back with a strong one. It’s pretty hard to push because you need to exert a little pressure before the letter A pops out on the screen...

Microsoft Word 2007 looked delicious when I first used it. The interface looks sleek and glossy and I’m using the black interface.  You know what I pissed off about this new word because of the forms. Today, my dad asked me if I could type him some documents he wanted to use for his next insurance trip so I did it and it took me a day to finish because I had to type numbers in a table and looking at trying to type those docs made my eyes hurt...made me so tired today.

I almost lost my cool with dad but good thing that I was watching myself and I didn’t fall but I’ll never know when’s the next time I’d lose it. I know its a bad habit I’ve been searching for free ebooks about personality and attitude change. I wanna start being proactive again and not just use it as means but as an end and not just the end of it!

Prior from writing this I was thinking to myself about my life right now. Contemplation.  My thoughts were centered on my love life but before that I was trying to think of changing my career and course of study...I was thinking of studying under mass communication for a change and thought if it’ll get into a good job because my mom told me I’d get a job anywhere with that, but that superficial thinking...so before I also thought of accountancy because I love libraries and inventory checking stuff...then I wanted to try out business and entrepreneurship. So, I have a lot of things in my mind these days mostly about my future, my ever growing age and destiny. Where I’ll be in life. What will be my life. Who will be with me in my life.

The future is bleak. When I think how my future will be it keeps on getting more complex and farther away from me. I read once in a magazine where Nelly Furtado was being interviewed and in one moment of her life she asked herself this, “Will I’ll be here forever?” Its in one of my magazines and I can’t remember which was it, but I felt at that time when she revealed that she worked as a cleaner or waitress in a hotel and when she asked herself that. It made me feel that way. Will I’ll be stuck here forever in this big ol’ house with everyone? I was wrong because nothing is allowed to stay in one place forever...forever is not enough and change doesn’t give a damn.

This summer I never thought that that would be the last time I will ever see grandma, decode what she was saying, and buy her food like the 5 pesos bread she’d want to eat at night, the coke and everything. It took me at least 2 days to get up and stop being depressed from her departure but my parents were there and kept everything stable for me. Although the past few months were a little rocky and ugly we pulled through.

Last November I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I love him but I doubted myself if I really did and doubted in his love. I annoyed him with a question repeatedly but all he says that I needed to trust him and that’s it. Honestly, I love and trust him but the distance, people, and environment we were both in just wasn’t right. It wasn’t right to begin with.  I cried for that guy dammit and went against everything quietly yet in that silence I might’ve wished for something that I thought was good for the both of us, maybe God heard that silence and tried to help me realize that it wasn’t the time to be in love or be in a relationship...even still now I’m afraid of the next one, but I’m more afraid of the after taste of love and pleasure.

Today he might’ve finally decided that it was time to move on and erasing those memories we had together was a good sign yet I’m scared to death if he lied to me about it.  It hurts a little to know that its gone because I love the way he keeps it, but I want it to be fair for the both of us...And it’s time to let go of the past no matter how precious it was all there is left would be the after taste and memories we both shared between us.

First, I need to get back on dieting and exercising I've been feeling a little under these days and I worry if I start now my projects might burden on the short run, Since finals are coming up fast and all my projects on my minors like English, Filipino, and major class are starting to bug me. I'm half-done and half-finished with it all. My NANDA just needs to be reedited and printed while I have to start writing a book report on Sidney Sheldon's "Tell Me Your Dreams" book then lastly meet up with my group mates about our movie "Baler", And thank goodness I finished watching it already! Jericho died at the end! TURN OFF!!! I really hated the part where the soldiers ate Bravo the pup ~_~ (It kinda answered my question." What happened to Bravo?") I'm stuck here cooking fried eggplants covered in egg mix. Just mix a little salt, some vitsin or msg, and 2 eggs mix them all and dip in the skinless eggplants. Fry it. Turn the whole thing after it darkens so when you turn it the bits wont stick to the pan! ): Exercising, exercising, exercising~ After editing and burning the Arabic Belly Dancing Exercise I haven't tested it on our dvd player yet and been putting off exercising since last week. I should make a list again. A priority to-do list that is... eh eh eh!!! Something just struck me! But I forgot what it was ~_~

Two Guys

I'm still baffled who these two guys are in my dreams. One is Asian looking the other is White and I'm scared cause I had a dream with these two guys in it and their always together but sometimes they aren't together in my dreams. It's really annoying and scary that these two would know each other or whatevs!!!

The White dude profile

I can only describe him as a masculine type of guy who has curly-ish blondish red head in some of my dreams he has brown hair but I can't see it well cause sometimes his profile gets outline by some weird warm light like the suns (Omigosh Apollo? XDDD that'd be so hot!!! *0*) I've seen him wear black most of the time his style is like an russian mobster hahah or else a young rebellious person...he mostly wear long black pants or cargos. His handsome considering he can be a total prick at times in my dream and then his cute at times when he tried to comfort me once XDDD

The Asian dude profile

Well this guy makes me queasy his kind of mysterious he looks like uchiha sasuke O__O sometimes he just plain hot XDDD heheh This guy wears white emo-ish clothes and then he looks down on me like he hates me or just think I'm annoying. There was one time when he tried to see what stupid thing I was doing---Tarot reading---he tried to take forcefully one of my cards and I reacted angrily at him then he got angry and annoyed and threw my cards away thats when the white dude came and comforted me. XDDD
There are times I see him in the dark as well standing there I think his miserable, sad or just plain weird but when his alone and I stare into his eyes its as if there something painful inside him he cant tell to anybody. But when I see his eyes I see them come alive.
Sometimes we're together in my dreams doing couple stuffs

haaaah I'm such a weeeiiirdooo!!! =___=

Losing myself

Yer the prettiest thang I seen


I must be going crazy I'm getting flashbacks from my childhood memories being sick is like getting ready to die and you get all sentimental while watching tv, surfing the net for music then getting all mopey 'Why you haven't found a single boyfriend in your life to serve as your emotional punchy bag' Then ' Ahhh get myself a freaking lover!'

huhuh and I wanted to write down that weird fairy dream I had XDDD

And I don't care about going to school!!!

Chapter 2

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If only I was American it could've been different. If only I lived somewhere else not in this confusing country called 'Philippines'. I could say many foreigners are beguiled by this exquisite yet candid beauty that men call 'Filipinas' they live as they are told and work hard for their children's and families food. But they never ask anything in return for they know that such gratefulness could only be given back to their ever supporting god called 'Sacred Heart'

I was born on that day and well learned it later now...Right now I am in church tagging along side my pious mother as she prays fervently to these saints statues to have her wishes and sorrow be answered in the most significant albeit random way. And like all god-given children we are to pray obediently to our master and pray our mastered prays, In my school we we're forced as part of the curriculum to take part religiously to our christian living activities ( to me it seemed like an ordinary Jesus-did-this-and-you-better-not-forget-that subject) everyone is ecstatic since their friends are near and they would change seats in order to listen to anothers stories. I, on the other hand sat there plainly bored as ever yet attentively listening to these parrots of christ.

But what made me go there was for the 'Brothers' yes those seminarians they're such a waste of good looking, down to earth, happy go luck men! Whilst we stuck with this sex starved version of a man or boys...

Anyways, I stood there brooding once again while shyly looking around for some cute, mysterious and unique faces of both young and old. You see I had a fetish for somethings and these fetishes made me happy...I adore at looking at people trying to get a glimpse inside their eyes and read their souls like an open book...It was a habit of mine to read a person's face and understand what they meant I was fully aware that I was born accursed as a girl and no doubt would lose an important part of myself if I wasn't careful enough.

There they are swarming around this dimly litted church with black bats hanging around the ceilings as their nest. This church where I always walked passed and never bothered with the church that I've always run to whenever I didn't want to listen to the gospels...this church where my supposed father in heaven reigns over. The almighty powerful church of God and he who pisses God off crawls back to him in no time.

I'm serious! I'm serious! I'm serious!

"Are you done yet, Agnes?" I asked in a whispered tone while I stood beside her ignoring the old wooden sculp of the Mother of Regla. "Are you done yet?"

Ignoringly she continued her prayers the next minute she walked away from that point to go across the room and said her farewell to all the statues then back to me, and without saying a word grabs my hand and we dashed for the sacred room. I love that room it was the best place to sleep in without the guards annoying us even though it was prayer room people could lift their burdens in sleep while praying to the Sacred Heart.

As always we took those square cushions and placed ourselves near the cold marble walls. Mother continued praying whilst I started to imagine.

'Damn...wonder when she's done...man am I fat? (groan) geez what's with this skirt eww those guys we're looking at my legs dumb fucks! shit! shit! no cursing in the head! no cursing in the head! Ah geez sorry dad couldn't help it!'

Okay, I was quite the oddball I loved clothes but it didnt help that people stare at me as a weirdo, an sex object, or another wannabe but who knows I never understood other people anyway. I was dressed to kill that day even though we were always just going to church I could've settle for less but I have no idea why I keep on dressing up like one of those J-poppers on the internet it made me no less adorable or at worst just a damn tease to old men.

My body is nothing to boast about it is not perfect nor is it horrendous. It is as it is and have always been my body even if Time had ravage my body in its mercilessly whoring for change and stagnation. But one thing Time couldn't destroy was my mind I was glad that change was merciful and through my own faults seek wisdom in them through the eyes of my mind and silence.

I felt my mother reached for me cause she abruptly stood and finally broke the spell of wisdom fuelling my mind with pictures. I trotted behind like a good girl and wore my footwear as it is on my foot and met her outside the doors of this sacred place and as we walked past it to visit another important of this church I never failed to see those atheistic asians with their camera's and take footage inside our church.

Sometimes I feel that their smugness for having too much money and time to waste anywhere they pleased would always lead them into suicide someday. I wished ever so much that God would strike down those who gave into his side only for it to be a laughing stock for those who had not crossed to see...I hated them very much...

We we're finally going home I felt relieved and happy to be go back home. I've always been afraid of the sun going down it always meant going home and living here was different because I had to catch a ride quickly so I wouldnt be stuck in a traffic jam and this country always had them ever since the jeeps popularity increased and by the time I was around adulthood they had slowly evolved into a bad boy persona every driver wants to be, in the streets the cars we're remodeled and its engines we're change to suit the taste of these air devilish drivers.

The streets we're dark the jeep we took had a few passengers so the fresh street city air greeted me through the jeeps opened windows...Thick air slicing through our skins with the dirt they carried through since yesterday had slowly accumulated itself. Everything seemed normal but I knew there was something going on between mother and daughter. Looking at my mother's aged face I can sense the hardships she had had all her life they we're signs that she was almost sick of life and yet when I try to peer through her dark brown eyes they tell me that she understood everything was meant to be. I envied her. I wanted to grow up so much that I would do anything I want after this old woman let's go of me I can do everything I want and no one will ever tell me what to do...once I grow old