I still get very annoyed by technology even though I’m up to it, but sometimes it becomes the reason for my discomfort. I thought that with technology life would be easier, faster and up-to-date but because of these much speed it lacks a foundation.  My keyboard’s A button was destroyed a month ago and mom tried to fix it by gluing the button back with a strong one. It’s pretty hard to push because you need to exert a little pressure before the letter A pops out on the screen...

Microsoft Word 2007 looked delicious when I first used it. The interface looks sleek and glossy and I’m using the black interface.  You know what I pissed off about this new word because of the forms. Today, my dad asked me if I could type him some documents he wanted to use for his next insurance trip so I did it and it took me a day to finish because I had to type numbers in a table and looking at trying to type those docs made my eyes hurt...made me so tired today.

I almost lost my cool with dad but good thing that I was watching myself and I didn’t fall but I’ll never know when’s the next time I’d lose it. I know its a bad habit I’ve been searching for free ebooks about personality and attitude change. I wanna start being proactive again and not just use it as means but as an end and not just the end of it!

Prior from writing this I was thinking to myself about my life right now. Contemplation.  My thoughts were centered on my love life but before that I was trying to think of changing my career and course of study...I was thinking of studying under mass communication for a change and thought if it’ll get into a good job because my mom told me I’d get a job anywhere with that, but that superficial thinking...so before I also thought of accountancy because I love libraries and inventory checking stuff...then I wanted to try out business and entrepreneurship. So, I have a lot of things in my mind these days mostly about my future, my ever growing age and destiny. Where I’ll be in life. What will be my life. Who will be with me in my life.

The future is bleak. When I think how my future will be it keeps on getting more complex and farther away from me. I read once in a magazine where Nelly Furtado was being interviewed and in one moment of her life she asked herself this, “Will I’ll be here forever?” Its in one of my magazines and I can’t remember which was it, but I felt at that time when she revealed that she worked as a cleaner or waitress in a hotel and when she asked herself that. It made me feel that way. Will I’ll be stuck here forever in this big ol’ house with everyone? I was wrong because nothing is allowed to stay in one place forever...forever is not enough and change doesn’t give a damn.

This summer I never thought that that would be the last time I will ever see grandma, decode what she was saying, and buy her food like the 5 pesos bread she’d want to eat at night, the coke and everything. It took me at least 2 days to get up and stop being depressed from her departure but my parents were there and kept everything stable for me. Although the past few months were a little rocky and ugly we pulled through.

Last November I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I love him but I doubted myself if I really did and doubted in his love. I annoyed him with a question repeatedly but all he says that I needed to trust him and that’s it. Honestly, I love and trust him but the distance, people, and environment we were both in just wasn’t right. It wasn’t right to begin with.  I cried for that guy dammit and went against everything quietly yet in that silence I might’ve wished for something that I thought was good for the both of us, maybe God heard that silence and tried to help me realize that it wasn’t the time to be in love or be in a relationship...even still now I’m afraid of the next one, but I’m more afraid of the after taste of love and pleasure.

Today he might’ve finally decided that it was time to move on and erasing those memories we had together was a good sign yet I’m scared to death if he lied to me about it.  It hurts a little to know that its gone because I love the way he keeps it, but I want it to be fair for the both of us...And it’s time to let go of the past no matter how precious it was all there is left would be the after taste and memories we both shared between us.

I had a dream last night, I was arguing with my parents about my admission slip when my father lost his head he teared the paper into four pieces. It made me mad so I took the paper back to my room and I rested there for abit I thought I feel asleep when I saw something outside the window, It was dark, big and I think it had scales of some sort but I guess it was only its tail. When I finally got out of the room my mother came at me yelling trying to find my admission slip so when I told her what happened and yelled at me again to bring it back to them. So, I did but I almost forgot where I placed it. I tried very hard searching for it inside my room when a thought hit me then I searched inside my tarot cards box and there I found it intact together but still torned and so I rushed out and brought it to them. The scene had change from room to kitchen and they were there cooking something...

How annoying it is to live with someone who doesn't like to succeed, who think's life is serve in a silver platter, who acts as if she owns the world, and does as she pleases. I live with a gir, we are of the same age she has it easy for her because my aunt from America is giving her the chance to have an education to go to prestigious private schools and universities, but undeniably is an idiot herself. YOu may think I am mean or just jealous because I am, You know why? because its unfair. Not everyone has a chance to go to school, find work in a well-known company, and live a financial free life. But I guess the last one is arguable. I may not have parents who are quite supportive in developing my talents and hopes, We may not eat in expensive restaurants, buy expensive clothing, have luxurious cars, or whatsoever...even though they themselve wished for these material happiness their children are the product of unprotected sex and they also we're overly too romantic in their young adulthood. I've yet to understand why some of my peers especially those who doesn't live in stressful environments and those that already have started to make their dreams come true. I am not agaisnt them but literally I am envious at times when I hear their parents left for abroad and works in meager but still cash in for their families future. My parents are two average personalities who works only for commissions and uncertainties...although their faces are quite simple they already planned thru with their insurances. I guess its my job as their daughter and I mean seriously to finish my studies and get myself a job...a simple plan that is very complicated but still its a simple step-by-step plan. The only problem is with this is that it does not says anything about the pro's and con's, growing up, wisdoms that one has accumulated thru out the years of experience, and mistakes that one is bound to revisit again and again. I don't like what I am doing and I certainly want to be a novelist of some sort one day. I sincerely do not want to be involve with people or anything that the "norms" think they have all the pleasure. Society is another reason why I don't like being in a band wagon of an occupation, I would like to spit on the dumb image media has inculcated in our tiny human brains that are prone to sizzle with expectations. Not only that every one I see are now turning into snobbish gitty monsters and yuppie bastards who thinks their at the life's peak. Or maybe I am just a little jealouse...

OneSelf

"To be, or not to be, that is the question" ~ Shakespeare's Hamlet In becoming who we are, molded by a thousand hands yet came from one single parent, We are entities of some kind of Entity. Pitiful, I am to have failed my exams, crossed my love, and denied my kin. In fact, I should've told some one about this but my mind and heart says to keep it within for no one shall see what has been nor will they understand. I have tried to tell my dirty little secrets but the worse it has been misunderstood and by that I promised not to tell. I may LIE and that is a fact. Lying is an art, a skill, a virtue of some sort, and also the greatest gift and curse a mortal can ever have. Yes, my pretties lying is a natural ability of all flesh and blood. Tis different from cunningness, from being smart, quick, and blight. But dont we all have the ability to be one or more of these virtues? Disagree all you want but never deny the fact that YOU, in some circumstances, has done this to your family, friends, colleagues and even your SELF. "Thus conscience does make cowards of us all" ~ Shakespeare's Hamlet Let us continue on being One Self...well basically we have body of our own, a mind of our own and decisions we ought to make ourselves right? But the world we live in is filled with people. People who die for others, live for others, serve others, kill others, and so much more to say the least! And why do we fail to see our own self? Why do you agree that you are the spitting image of your FATHER or MOTHER... Why do you follow who is leading? Why do you agree? Why do you try? Because you are trying to be your Self Who are we anyways?

Terrible! Thing! To! Say!

Our body is one and only so we must take good care of it. But how and what can we do to take good care of it? The first thing that pops into my mind is exercising...Can't do it around this time because of my so-called hectic schedule. I've been trying to squeeze in time for that particular thing to happen heck even I wrote it once on my planner diary that my dad gave me at the start of the first semester. Now I'm stuck with my friend calls Bulimia~ sounds bulgy and fat to me and it doesnt help! Right. We all want that perfect flat stomach six pack abs but the increased projects and work we do in our lives makes me wanna just lie down and sleep for the rest of the day. Not too mention I hate the smell of the food here. I cant believe my room smells like laundry. The pink 3 walled room is connected to the bathroom and I can't seem to come here without sniffing some acrid molecules decompressing into my room (did I use that right?) Oh god. Finals are coming up the first halve of my first year in college is almost about to end and the second semester comes and its back to studying and exams!!! Dude, will I look good in that duty uniform? From what I can discern now my mom was right when she said that education is a race between human beings...I remember one documentary about the human females mating season that their likely to cheat on their father-like husbands for a more masculine-type of male...so their sperms and genes can be passed or mixed amongst her genes----that is definitely weird and educational!!! So all the churchs and jesus sayings about cheating is all about suppressing raw human instincts?! Okey~ if the church was a controller of these inner beastiality that we humans posess then is it something like defying the laws of nature and isn't nature GOD? Wheee~~~~ :DDD Gawd! I should finish reading my psychology tomorrow is gonna be one hellavu ride~~~~ and if I dont wake up at exactly 5 then I can forget reviewing for my chem labs test!

Eyeliners: How to do it with style!

If the above object doesn't work click here dew1403 in his video shows how to put on eyeliner for both guys and gals. Whats interestingly funny about this video is how he delivers it for the guys that gets called by fags or whatevs and then a great way on putting the stuff on with style! There is probably thousands or millions of DIY and tips on doing your own make-up. For me I'm just new at it so sharing about this can be a great start. With people basking in at comments on how they do it and some that don't get it much, And others who are just plain haters. But we can't live without them. Another great site for make-up and beauty tips are in http://www.makeupgeek.com they have forums, vids by the original make-up geek herself, tuts, swatches, idea gallery, and you can also buy Mac and Nyx brands from their online store along with make-up tools as well. But I don't suggest this is the only great site to look at! Heck there is probably millions more of these kind of website's now! So go check at Google.com they might have a long running list of these. ;] happy hunting!

The Freedom Writer's Diary

Yesterday at my new school during our English classes we watched this movie called "Freedom Writers" I never guessed that this movie would make me feel touched deep inside. As I watch I felt a longing to help. It felt so deep, intense and so passionate inside me I think now that I sound a little crazy about this. I skipped school today because I was getting annoyed at how I keep on procrastinating on doing laundry. I did it today maybe my grandmother's food woke me up a little and I started doing it there after (The food was gross!) I opened up the laptop looked from some post of "Freedom Writers" found one in Toudou.com all tho it was all written in chinese characters I couldn't understand but using the playlist was the easiest cause it was the same as youtube players. Anyways, I did laundry while watching it. And something hit me... I wanted to share this vid's with you guys so like watch them if you like 'kay? Freedom Writer's part 1 Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five Part Six Final