Stressing out!

The first few weeks of college is already creating a buzz inside my head as if someone and everyone is aiming their guns at me then shooting me crazy with their never ending bullets. I go to school every day dressed to make me feel good and secure, but with eyes...I hate people staring at me or checking me out as if I'm some kind of Loser or Winner meat bag. I keep on telling my ma 'I know, I know it's just...(insert reason)' and she says the things I have to hear or else I'll keep falling down. Being in college doesn't make me feel trapped like back then now I just need a time to reassess things once again in a positive manner...or else I'll end up being stuck in a rut again. To start off I lost my interest in doing my chores and being active again in our house. I go to my classes everyday anxious about refreshing my school memories and killing time hanging out with the pipz and pupz... Just this week I had felt in several occasions a strong enigmatic hatred towards a person in our class and even a different but certainly well know annoying trait that I had tried years to escape. The same trait that almost led me to my dementia and destruction. What I want to say is... I'm apt to kill myself with some jumping and a nice razor blade to cut myself down the lane making sure I'm okey for the next day. Pitiful! I just hate being depressed it makes me feel so sober about life being a bitch and just taking it all in cause she's your mother. Another thing about my mother and family life...their pretty fucked ever since my dad started to show his potentials as a stand-by nowadays it makes me feel like I'm just going to school since I need to help these bastards get money while they piss it off somewhere near RLD. Mom is different now she's way too grim. Words can't even embody her whole state now she has to wake up early from now on inorder to smell the day ahead. Earning money while my dad tries to stray away from his supposed position. You know I even other dads they make it seem like life is a joke...The one's in the tv make them seem so perfect...covering all the imperfectness by their so called love. I hate it. I just wished that my dad would just some how say the truth. Like he just doesn't care anymore cause his old. Some times I wish that life would be different if only I wasn't born.