How annoying it is to live with someone who doesn't like to succeed, who think's life is serve in a silver platter, who acts as if she owns the world, and does as she pleases. I live with a gir, we are of the same age she has it easy for her because my aunt from America is giving her the chance to have an education to go to prestigious private schools and universities, but undeniably is an idiot herself. YOu may think I am mean or just jealous because I am, You know why? because its unfair. Not everyone has a chance to go to school, find work in a well-known company, and live a financial free life. But I guess the last one is arguable. I may not have parents who are quite supportive in developing my talents and hopes, We may not eat in expensive restaurants, buy expensive clothing, have luxurious cars, or whatsoever...even though they themselve wished for these material happiness their children are the product of unprotected sex and they also we're overly too romantic in their young adulthood. I've yet to understand why some of my peers especially those who doesn't live in stressful environments and those that already have started to make their dreams come true. I am not agaisnt them but literally I am envious at times when I hear their parents left for abroad and works in meager but still cash in for their families future. My parents are two average personalities who works only for commissions and uncertainties...although their faces are quite simple they already planned thru with their insurances. I guess its my job as their daughter and I mean seriously to finish my studies and get myself a job...a simple plan that is very complicated but still its a simple step-by-step plan. The only problem is with this is that it does not says anything about the pro's and con's, growing up, wisdoms that one has accumulated thru out the years of experience, and mistakes that one is bound to revisit again and again. I don't like what I am doing and I certainly want to be a novelist of some sort one day. I sincerely do not want to be involve with people or anything that the "norms" think they have all the pleasure. Society is another reason why I don't like being in a band wagon of an occupation, I would like to spit on the dumb image media has inculcated in our tiny human brains that are prone to sizzle with expectations. Not only that every one I see are now turning into snobbish gitty monsters and yuppie bastards who thinks their at the life's peak. Or maybe I am just a little jealouse...

OneSelf

"To be, or not to be, that is the question" ~ Shakespeare's Hamlet In becoming who we are, molded by a thousand hands yet came from one single parent, We are entities of some kind of Entity. Pitiful, I am to have failed my exams, crossed my love, and denied my kin. In fact, I should've told some one about this but my mind and heart says to keep it within for no one shall see what has been nor will they understand. I have tried to tell my dirty little secrets but the worse it has been misunderstood and by that I promised not to tell. I may LIE and that is a fact. Lying is an art, a skill, a virtue of some sort, and also the greatest gift and curse a mortal can ever have. Yes, my pretties lying is a natural ability of all flesh and blood. Tis different from cunningness, from being smart, quick, and blight. But dont we all have the ability to be one or more of these virtues? Disagree all you want but never deny the fact that YOU, in some circumstances, has done this to your family, friends, colleagues and even your SELF. "Thus conscience does make cowards of us all" ~ Shakespeare's Hamlet Let us continue on being One Self...well basically we have body of our own, a mind of our own and decisions we ought to make ourselves right? But the world we live in is filled with people. People who die for others, live for others, serve others, kill others, and so much more to say the least! And why do we fail to see our own self? Why do you agree that you are the spitting image of your FATHER or MOTHER... Why do you follow who is leading? Why do you agree? Why do you try? Because you are trying to be your Self Who are we anyways?

Stressing out!

The first few weeks of college is already creating a buzz inside my head as if someone and everyone is aiming their guns at me then shooting me crazy with their never ending bullets. I go to school every day dressed to make me feel good and secure, but with eyes...I hate people staring at me or checking me out as if I'm some kind of Loser or Winner meat bag. I keep on telling my ma 'I know, I know it's just...(insert reason)' and she says the things I have to hear or else I'll keep falling down. Being in college doesn't make me feel trapped like back then now I just need a time to reassess things once again in a positive manner...or else I'll end up being stuck in a rut again. To start off I lost my interest in doing my chores and being active again in our house. I go to my classes everyday anxious about refreshing my school memories and killing time hanging out with the pipz and pupz... Just this week I had felt in several occasions a strong enigmatic hatred towards a person in our class and even a different but certainly well know annoying trait that I had tried years to escape. The same trait that almost led me to my dementia and destruction. What I want to say is... I'm apt to kill myself with some jumping and a nice razor blade to cut myself down the lane making sure I'm okey for the next day. Pitiful! I just hate being depressed it makes me feel so sober about life being a bitch and just taking it all in cause she's your mother. Another thing about my mother and family life...their pretty fucked ever since my dad started to show his potentials as a stand-by nowadays it makes me feel like I'm just going to school since I need to help these bastards get money while they piss it off somewhere near RLD. Mom is different now she's way too grim. Words can't even embody her whole state now she has to wake up early from now on inorder to smell the day ahead. Earning money while my dad tries to stray away from his supposed position. You know I even other dads they make it seem like life is a joke...The one's in the tv make them seem so perfect...covering all the imperfectness by their so called love. I hate it. I just wished that my dad would just some how say the truth. Like he just doesn't care anymore cause his old. Some times I wish that life would be different if only I wasn't born.

Experimenting

Backing up against the wall, My heart raced as the dark silhouette figure came closer, reaching out with it's hands I closed my eyes while trembling in fear then suddenly I felt a stinging pain near my left wrist my eyes shot open and quickly glanced at the enclosed calloused hands around my left arm. Within seconds my world started to spin around, vision blurred into a thousand multicolored lights the silhouette figure seemed to fade before me yet it's voice kept ringing in to my head. It was like entering nirvana the moment that needle injected heroine into my bloodstream. I could not tell whether I was alive and breathing in my dreams or whether I was dead going straight to heaven (or hell). Soon after the trip was over I found myself lying in bed, but not in my own room it was similar to an hospital ward. Everything was furnished in white not a speck of dirt found on the floor or wall, There was a huge mirror across the foot of my bed it's glass was tinted with black. I sat up noticing that my clothes had been changed into a patient's dress as expected from the contract I signed my life would end up to be like this...A guinea pig for drug experiments there won't be time for me to think about my future because it has already been decided. I will never see the light of day again except for the artificial laboratory lights. And I will never see the faces of my love ones again...

* * *

Inspired by Jim...

First time smoking...

I failed *sweatdrop* well I like it cause it was fun I know its stupid to have done even though it'll be addicting once I start to do it right still it was fun doing it especially with the menthol...I done it out of pure curiosity cause yesterday night was weird and I was having my monthly depression yet again while reading Nana (good story too!) soooooo I purposely out of the blue smoke a hope and Marlboro menthol cigs. I didn't inhale it but I was still smoking. dunno when I'll do it again i hope its with some one next time.