Uuuugghhhhhh I dunno what kind of title I'm suppose to put in the link bar and when I do it only says error!!! I don't like it!

I think blogger lost its charm being all techy and stuff but a simple editor is what I only want not some fancy whatevs! ):

Tarot journal

"You have training or studies to do. Either you need to improve your work or an activity, or you are preparing yourself to return to school. This will be an intensive training and you will require a strong will. It will take you lots of time and efforts. You will be placed in competition with others and you will have to cut you a path among the bests. You will absolutely need to do the best that you can, because you will be evaluated. At some point, you will come close to a failure or you will lose confidence in you. A desire of dropout will arise. You will come to a point of questioning the need, for you, to continue this training. You will overcome this stage and you will continue. This training will be recognized by the authorities and you will get a diploma, a certificate or any other paper that you will carefully preserve and that will be useful afterwards. You will be really proud of you. Keywords: learning, art, determination." My latin Tarot

Should I really believe what it says? I mean, I do feel that way because of my course since it isn't as easy as it may seem. I'm only at the beginning but I feel like I should've taken another course instead of nursing. Why? Because it was never my idea in the first place and I doubted my self if I should continue to going to school, I was planning on getting a job at first. But everyone wanted me to be a nurse now I'm not sure if I should continue it...I did enjoy my retdems during my second semester, but at the start of that semester odd and challenging things happened that made me realize what kind of life I've lived until now. It wasn't easy to get thru 4 years of highschool since I didn't like studying or enjoyed going to school and wait for that horrible subject to come up. But I managed to muster up all the guts I have and go thru it all. In the end I earned my highschool diploma and now I'm in college. sweet. At first, I thought great I'm stuck with a bunch of losers for two weeks before official classes starts. I had to go into this 2 week bridging classes for soon-to-be college students for science, mathematics, and english. Okay, so I did loosen up during 4th grading period so I kinda earned a 74+ passing rate. It's not so bad and besides I don't really care about that or did I ever learned to care about it. I may be laid back for lots of thing, but I still don't like to fail at something. So after the first week I immediately drop outta the classes because they were boring me to death and when official classes started the guards at the entrance told me that I wouldn't be able to wear a skirt! MY FREAKIN SKIRT! I CANT WEAR MY ALL TIME FAVORITE SKIRT BECAUSE OF YOUR FUCKING RULES?! FUCK! 'Ahem' that was first semester at that time I barely ventured out into the world of internet savvy-ness. What sad was I deleted my highschool blog from friendster! I started RF during first semester....then deleted the original title....It used to be called welcometocollege or collegelife or something close to that crap. Now, its Random Fanatic. Why? read 'MOI' Yeah, I found new friends but one thing that I hated the most was group projects and all of that. I thought college was something that you go at it alone cause you deserve it. But, I guess its all about being a team player and a strong leader for your group mates to believe in you and behave at the same time. Wow. Second semester wasn't all the best. We had financial problems that would always put me in a strong depression which made me cry in the middle of my study or just made me feel miserable every where I go. Financially & emotionally unstable we were...Its terrible. I tried talking about it but people didn't seem to understand nor did they ever were empathic about it. So I didn't talked about it because its useless and where did I go to let all of these out? Through my cards my divination cards because no one else understands me better and franker than my tarot cards.

I just read this yahoo news. Pope at centre of child abuse storm It was posted by Michelle Leridon, AAP As I was reading through, I felt uneasy and at the same time vindicated. Last year, A similar case surfaced from the media about Simala's parish priest being labeled as "Bayot" or in english "Homosexual", It was always around 6 in the morning when my grandmother plays the radio and I'd over hear Bobby Nalzaro's early morning rants. When he featured the controversy about Simala I was in shock because in the recent past years I have always heard my peers and family talked about visiting there because of its miracles. I wanted to go too but unfortunately I was spared from having my belief crushed cause of school. I am a Roman Catholic by the papers, but I am free to choose who to give my faith to and I am not swayed by the fact that Jesus or God would always guide me in my path because I was never able to choose the path I've always wanted to take. When I was a kid I always repeated watching or reading the stories about Jesus life and the life and times of the past in action. I have overheard once that a friend of my mother appointed her cousin as the priest on her wedding day and on top of that she revealed that her cousin was a playboy and even when he was already a priest he still went on with his antics. The idea was that if her cousin was sent to priesthood he would be purified and cleanse with the church's brotherhood, but why isn't there any improvements? When I was a kid my mother sent me into Colegio Del Santo Nino to get a good education and a better up - bringing in a private catholic school then in highschool I choose the University of San Carlos yet within those years spent in highschool I started to realize that there was something wrong about God's system...I questioned and ran away to the darkness for awhile, but I still came back to him with fresher eyes. Yes, God may have his flaws but the flaws are part of his plan even though it may hurt and suck at times it is still his plan for our good... The other day, One of my best friend who lives in Canada now suddenly sent me an instant message on facebook. She was happy that I tagged her in a photo where my mom was jumping in, We talked for awhile and I was a happy too that I was able to renew my contacts with her but when I started to tell her about my problem about my parents current situation and how I felt confused about it. She started to talk about herself and quickly too about what had happened to her there. Maybe I am wrong to judge her words and act proud of myself alone, but the distance between us can not hide the fact that I don't believe her, And now I can hear her say "I don't care if you believe me.". Well, its only in my opinion that I don't want believe what she says because I know Jia can be a drama queen at times. I don't know whats happened to her or how she's become like this, but she had the time of her life and will always will. I don't particularly envy her a lot, but I really like her company because she's much crazier and cooler the way she is. Yet as her friend I don't really like her to lie to me just to make me feel that someone else have harder problems...When I think about it? The same goes when talking to Zandra and her topics would be about her boyfriend and how she feels and the tears and all of that. It's fine but sometimes I wished that she could stop talking about her boyfriend for awhile and talk to me as "Zandra" for once. And Jia is the exact opposite of Zandra. If I could measure them both it would be in a continuum. Zandra the Right and Jia the Left. Right would represent the normal healthy Filipino family that would be similar to the all-American family and the Left represents the dysfunctional all-American family in Filipino version. Me? I still don't know where I am in that continuum because I definitely can not find myself to be in both. I wish to be free of familial interventions and reunions. But Jia said something that hurt my pride as a semi-non-believer like "Go Back to God" Its not what she said exactly but she emphasize on going back to God because its much better that way...Well, it's not really because in real truth we have our own ways of going back to him and we live different lives so its hard to take her word because she sounded as if she's been jaded much...It's not that I hate her for that it just hurts whenever I think about her saying those things to me and over analyze the things I literally said because that was just an overview of deeper things I could not say...I have deeper things in my heart! I just wished she could let go of being a jaded, skeptic, and narrow - minded person that she is and think for once how I felt when I wanted to talk to her...But I can attest that on the years that she was away in Canada and started out anew there, I wasn't always there to talk to her on the phone anymore nor chat with her all day. I claim that I'm not entirely a good friend nor a listening ear very much yet Jia's been my friend all I can do is be with her in my heart and think about her and how she's doing and hoping that she's still fine and alive...thats much better right? Because I don't really want to dwell on her emotions or how she feels at all since I can't do that to myself either...I don't dwell much on my emotions but just cry it out like an idiot while talking to God... I think this post got very personal...And it is because of the priest, church, and the dumb adults who think that their better than anyone else...I don't really care if I look like a child and think like one, but its better to be a child because I would never be.

To Me Your DEAD

To me your dead for a very long time since back when I was a kid Everyday I thought you were the very best I tried hard to swallow the fact that you werent perfect to be a dad and you lived your life in a bachelors pad To me, Dad you are the best but you always laid your head to rest on my mum's shoulder and made her distressed thats why dad to me your dead. So pack up your bags and get ready to go Because we all need to move on.

PTC's and School Life

It's been a turbulent semester for me, I've been searching deep to find the answers and thankfully I did...I found a blog with a post entitled "How a Pinay Makes Money Online" (you can click on this link to check it out) If you think this is a scam so be it it all depends on YOU to decide whether it is one or not but I am not siding anyone in this because I too am looking for a quick and easy way to earn online part time because of my BSN. Yes, I'm studying up to be a nurse one day but my goal is to earn a degree and a license name plate. xD I'm testing this whole gimmick up but the truth is I'm getting irritated and frustrated over some PTC sites that promises you credits. Some are even crazier than simple PTC's like the one I signed up awhile ago in it I was supposed to click on an ad that was inline with tones of ads then there is this flashing yellow light on them once you see a count down number you need to click it before it runs out if you dont you lose the points and the chance to earn. Silly arent I? But I can't believe the author: PinoyDeal she's one beautiful, hard-working, career woman if I should say so myself! :] Well, I aspire to earn money part time but its tough just like the way you need to find a stable job and income. I promise myself that I will finish my BSN so I can a have degree which could open doors for me here and abroad but as my they say "You will have to become poor inorder to become a millionare some day", I don't know who said that but its quite hopeless to hear. I MUST FIND WAYS!

Chapter one

Like a frustrated goddess, She watches the other nymphs frolick across the endless sea of tall green grass and blooming flowers. Every porcelain hands that pick the baby buds, The loud over acting voices of young maidens as if they we're show casing a scene in an epic song of Homer or Virgil.
Persephone had enough of this.

What was it that she like about the mortal realm again? They we're real unlike her life it was made to go on til the end of human kind on planet earth.

Persephone sighed as she stood up gracefully from the ground. There was a nymph near by she was named Selena and she had fair white skinned like all the other nymphs but unlike her sisters who we're over dosed with too much love making and ecstacy she was the calculating one and was ambitious as well. She had always dreamed to be one of Zeus or just any gods and goddessess woman.

her sharp brown eyes watched her mistress daughter walk quietly away from the field and into the unknown. Luckily for Selena she knew who and what had live in the area.

Quietly tiptoeing her way through the woods while making sure she does not step on a twig. ' This is fun!' She thought sheepishly as she made her way into a clear.

She found a quiet place now. Away from those high pitched laughter, away from vainful creatures and away from a twisted dream.
It was here before her that was real. The sound of a river that flowed endlessly like time from where it comes she does not know to where it goes she will never know...unless she finds it.

Maybe it was curiousity that really killed the cat.

Raising her skirt she dip a feet into the cold water and immediately the icy feeling seep beneath her skin. Then she dip another the river wasn't as deep as she had thought either, it was one of those rivers that was once deep and strong but had dried up because of an imbalance within nature.

Like the way her mother would get mad and selfishly close herself on mankind til they pray and ask for her forgiveness and she showers them with utmost love than never before.

Was it to teach them or to make them fear?

Fear must be it.

Her heart pounds as she walk slowly on the water, feeling the rocks beneath her feet, The coldness of the water, and before her eyes was the amazing stretch of the river. It was longer than she had thought, it reached towards the dark mountains and she never knew a place like this has never existed.

She never knew.

"Princess!" Selena's voice broke through the silence making Persephone jump in fear.

Her feet twisted as she turned to face the nymph and slip as she did so, "Ah!" Water splashed through the air soaking her wet with embarrassment. "oohh~"

Selena armed with her most worried tone and concerned face she rushes to Persephone's side.

"Princess we're you planning to run away?" She said in her most concerned tone. "Did some one hurt you? Have we disgraced you in any matter? Princess are you alright?" Selena bombarded her with questions like an annoying mother hen.

Cluck. Cluck. Cluck.

"No!" Persephone snapped at her, by this Selena look taken aback. " I mean, No, I'm fine miss-uh?"

"Selena, Selena is my name I am your humble servant and friend." She wore a fake smile.
'Remember that you dumb bitch!'

"Oh my, Sorry miss Selena I was so enthralled by the scenery that I've lost time--uh?"

"Yes, my princess?"

"What is the time exactly?"

Selena raised her balled fist to cover her mouth. She chuckled like an idiotic maiden.

Persephone embarrassed and wet blushed at her silliness and bowed her head to cover her flushed face.

"Oh dear, I'm sorry princess I was so insensitive to laugh at you. Your mistress Demeter's young daughter."

Persephone was getting irritated and cold by this time she had enough of this light headed nymphs compliments and instead of bringing her what she needed right now this nymph Selena had royally crushed her by laughing at HER.

"Of course I am you lowly nymph! What is your brains made of?! Wheat!" 'Thats right you can protect yourself Persephone!"

"I-I-am so-sorry princess~" Selena stammered at her reaction. ' Hmph! You should look at yourself you light headed brat!'

Back at the fields the nymphs we're in a frenzy of fear, The had lost their so called princess and their sister. And as one might not expect the mother came with a young handsome god that sent fire through their flesh.

He was Hermes.

***

A/N: G'evenin 'vry one :[

Tonite has been a bit turbulent for me because I just had a late reaction from a break up and I realized I've been putting off my writing for a very long time and it's such a freshin break that I came back and put all my negatives here :]

Further more I'm sick and well this is what happens and I should be sleeping because I still got school at 7 plus I didnt make my experiment report on my Chem lab. D:

Ta~ <3

How annoying it is to live with someone who doesn't like to succeed, who think's life is serve in a silver platter, who acts as if she owns the world, and does as she pleases. I live with a gir, we are of the same age she has it easy for her because my aunt from America is giving her the chance to have an education to go to prestigious private schools and universities, but undeniably is an idiot herself. YOu may think I am mean or just jealous because I am, You know why? because its unfair. Not everyone has a chance to go to school, find work in a well-known company, and live a financial free life. But I guess the last one is arguable. I may not have parents who are quite supportive in developing my talents and hopes, We may not eat in expensive restaurants, buy expensive clothing, have luxurious cars, or whatsoever...even though they themselve wished for these material happiness their children are the product of unprotected sex and they also we're overly too romantic in their young adulthood. I've yet to understand why some of my peers especially those who doesn't live in stressful environments and those that already have started to make their dreams come true. I am not agaisnt them but literally I am envious at times when I hear their parents left for abroad and works in meager but still cash in for their families future. My parents are two average personalities who works only for commissions and uncertainties...although their faces are quite simple they already planned thru with their insurances. I guess its my job as their daughter and I mean seriously to finish my studies and get myself a job...a simple plan that is very complicated but still its a simple step-by-step plan. The only problem is with this is that it does not says anything about the pro's and con's, growing up, wisdoms that one has accumulated thru out the years of experience, and mistakes that one is bound to revisit again and again. I don't like what I am doing and I certainly want to be a novelist of some sort one day. I sincerely do not want to be involve with people or anything that the "norms" think they have all the pleasure. Society is another reason why I don't like being in a band wagon of an occupation, I would like to spit on the dumb image media has inculcated in our tiny human brains that are prone to sizzle with expectations. Not only that every one I see are now turning into snobbish gitty monsters and yuppie bastards who thinks their at the life's peak. Or maybe I am just a little jealouse...

OneSelf

"To be, or not to be, that is the question" ~ Shakespeare's Hamlet In becoming who we are, molded by a thousand hands yet came from one single parent, We are entities of some kind of Entity. Pitiful, I am to have failed my exams, crossed my love, and denied my kin. In fact, I should've told some one about this but my mind and heart says to keep it within for no one shall see what has been nor will they understand. I have tried to tell my dirty little secrets but the worse it has been misunderstood and by that I promised not to tell. I may LIE and that is a fact. Lying is an art, a skill, a virtue of some sort, and also the greatest gift and curse a mortal can ever have. Yes, my pretties lying is a natural ability of all flesh and blood. Tis different from cunningness, from being smart, quick, and blight. But dont we all have the ability to be one or more of these virtues? Disagree all you want but never deny the fact that YOU, in some circumstances, has done this to your family, friends, colleagues and even your SELF. "Thus conscience does make cowards of us all" ~ Shakespeare's Hamlet Let us continue on being One Self...well basically we have body of our own, a mind of our own and decisions we ought to make ourselves right? But the world we live in is filled with people. People who die for others, live for others, serve others, kill others, and so much more to say the least! And why do we fail to see our own self? Why do you agree that you are the spitting image of your FATHER or MOTHER... Why do you follow who is leading? Why do you agree? Why do you try? Because you are trying to be your Self Who are we anyways?

Terrible! Thing! To! Say!

Our body is one and only so we must take good care of it. But how and what can we do to take good care of it? The first thing that pops into my mind is exercising...Can't do it around this time because of my so-called hectic schedule. I've been trying to squeeze in time for that particular thing to happen heck even I wrote it once on my planner diary that my dad gave me at the start of the first semester. Now I'm stuck with my friend calls Bulimia~ sounds bulgy and fat to me and it doesnt help! Right. We all want that perfect flat stomach six pack abs but the increased projects and work we do in our lives makes me wanna just lie down and sleep for the rest of the day. Not too mention I hate the smell of the food here. I cant believe my room smells like laundry. The pink 3 walled room is connected to the bathroom and I can't seem to come here without sniffing some acrid molecules decompressing into my room (did I use that right?) Oh god. Finals are coming up the first halve of my first year in college is almost about to end and the second semester comes and its back to studying and exams!!! Dude, will I look good in that duty uniform? From what I can discern now my mom was right when she said that education is a race between human beings...I remember one documentary about the human females mating season that their likely to cheat on their father-like husbands for a more masculine-type of male...so their sperms and genes can be passed or mixed amongst her genes----that is definitely weird and educational!!! So all the churchs and jesus sayings about cheating is all about suppressing raw human instincts?! Okey~ if the church was a controller of these inner beastiality that we humans posess then is it something like defying the laws of nature and isn't nature GOD? Wheee~~~~ :DDD Gawd! I should finish reading my psychology tomorrow is gonna be one hellavu ride~~~~ and if I dont wake up at exactly 5 then I can forget reviewing for my chem labs test!

First Semester and What College really is

My grades are fine except for one minor study. Did you know that if you don't choose heartily the school you want to go in makes it unbearable for you to stay? I know because I totally didn't want to go to school or even to college at first, but what made me proceed to college was my parents they forcibly wanted me to take it not because they wanted me in fact my mother says she would gladly not help me enroll because of financial problems. What made me decide to pursue this tertiary level was that I needed it basically to survive in the real world. Actually I wonder what is REAL Seventeen years old but I feel like I'm heading into mid-life crisis already. Is it from stress? I don't think so either...To tell you honestly I am not having the best time of my life in that particular school whose students are stained with a label known as frats, drop-outs and such. I wont name the school and neither do I want any public humiliation as the trend in the Philippine media nowadays. I, as a student, have my own perspective and point-of-view regarding this institution and stereotypical students there. Moreover, it can't be help because majority of the students are male ( not that it's an all male school) . College is a place where you have to strive twice as hard as you did in highschool. To follow-up your act as you enter a stage of ultimate drama called "Adolescents" and NO adolescent does not start until your 20 thats because adolescents is called "Young adulthood" says my general psychology prof. I say drama because ADULTHOOD is drama! And thats not all you enter in several stages of successive depressions or bliss whether your rich or poor, healthy or not, smart or not. Its all in the making of YOU as you go thru college and if I'm not clear with this topic then forgive me because I myself am in a major conflict between myself and the world. Desires, hopes, dreams and reality can be yours but you must strive excellence. Not necessarily get the highest average or aim for it but secretly wish that you want a part of it hey it isn't bad to dream once in a while ;} Good luck newbs!

Stressing out!

The first few weeks of college is already creating a buzz inside my head as if someone and everyone is aiming their guns at me then shooting me crazy with their never ending bullets. I go to school every day dressed to make me feel good and secure, but with eyes...I hate people staring at me or checking me out as if I'm some kind of Loser or Winner meat bag. I keep on telling my ma 'I know, I know it's just...(insert reason)' and she says the things I have to hear or else I'll keep falling down. Being in college doesn't make me feel trapped like back then now I just need a time to reassess things once again in a positive manner...or else I'll end up being stuck in a rut again. To start off I lost my interest in doing my chores and being active again in our house. I go to my classes everyday anxious about refreshing my school memories and killing time hanging out with the pipz and pupz... Just this week I had felt in several occasions a strong enigmatic hatred towards a person in our class and even a different but certainly well know annoying trait that I had tried years to escape. The same trait that almost led me to my dementia and destruction. What I want to say is... I'm apt to kill myself with some jumping and a nice razor blade to cut myself down the lane making sure I'm okey for the next day. Pitiful! I just hate being depressed it makes me feel so sober about life being a bitch and just taking it all in cause she's your mother. Another thing about my mother and family life...their pretty fucked ever since my dad started to show his potentials as a stand-by nowadays it makes me feel like I'm just going to school since I need to help these bastards get money while they piss it off somewhere near RLD. Mom is different now she's way too grim. Words can't even embody her whole state now she has to wake up early from now on inorder to smell the day ahead. Earning money while my dad tries to stray away from his supposed position. You know I even other dads they make it seem like life is a joke...The one's in the tv make them seem so perfect...covering all the imperfectness by their so called love. I hate it. I just wished that my dad would just some how say the truth. Like he just doesn't care anymore cause his old. Some times I wish that life would be different if only I wasn't born.

Two Guys

I'm still baffled who these two guys are in my dreams. One is Asian looking the other is White and I'm scared cause I had a dream with these two guys in it and their always together but sometimes they aren't together in my dreams. It's really annoying and scary that these two would know each other or whatevs!!!

The White dude profile

I can only describe him as a masculine type of guy who has curly-ish blondish red head in some of my dreams he has brown hair but I can't see it well cause sometimes his profile gets outline by some weird warm light like the suns (Omigosh Apollo? XDDD that'd be so hot!!! *0*) I've seen him wear black most of the time his style is like an russian mobster hahah or else a young rebellious person...he mostly wear long black pants or cargos. His handsome considering he can be a total prick at times in my dream and then his cute at times when he tried to comfort me once XDDD

The Asian dude profile

Well this guy makes me queasy his kind of mysterious he looks like uchiha sasuke O__O sometimes he just plain hot XDDD heheh This guy wears white emo-ish clothes and then he looks down on me like he hates me or just think I'm annoying. There was one time when he tried to see what stupid thing I was doing---Tarot reading---he tried to take forcefully one of my cards and I reacted angrily at him then he got angry and annoyed and threw my cards away thats when the white dude came and comforted me. XDDD
There are times I see him in the dark as well standing there I think his miserable, sad or just plain weird but when his alone and I stare into his eyes its as if there something painful inside him he cant tell to anybody. But when I see his eyes I see them come alive.
Sometimes we're together in my dreams doing couple stuffs

haaaah I'm such a weeeiiirdooo!!! =___=

Eyeliners: How to do it with style!

If the above object doesn't work click here dew1403 in his video shows how to put on eyeliner for both guys and gals. Whats interestingly funny about this video is how he delivers it for the guys that gets called by fags or whatevs and then a great way on putting the stuff on with style! There is probably thousands or millions of DIY and tips on doing your own make-up. For me I'm just new at it so sharing about this can be a great start. With people basking in at comments on how they do it and some that don't get it much, And others who are just plain haters. But we can't live without them. Another great site for make-up and beauty tips are in http://www.makeupgeek.com they have forums, vids by the original make-up geek herself, tuts, swatches, idea gallery, and you can also buy Mac and Nyx brands from their online store along with make-up tools as well. But I don't suggest this is the only great site to look at! Heck there is probably millions more of these kind of website's now! So go check at Google.com they might have a long running list of these. ;] happy hunting!

Losing myself

Yer the prettiest thang I seen


I must be going crazy I'm getting flashbacks from my childhood memories being sick is like getting ready to die and you get all sentimental while watching tv, surfing the net for music then getting all mopey 'Why you haven't found a single boyfriend in your life to serve as your emotional punchy bag' Then ' Ahhh get myself a freaking lover!'

huhuh and I wanted to write down that weird fairy dream I had XDDD

And I don't care about going to school!!!

Chapter 2

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If only I was American it could've been different. If only I lived somewhere else not in this confusing country called 'Philippines'. I could say many foreigners are beguiled by this exquisite yet candid beauty that men call 'Filipinas' they live as they are told and work hard for their children's and families food. But they never ask anything in return for they know that such gratefulness could only be given back to their ever supporting god called 'Sacred Heart'

I was born on that day and well learned it later now...Right now I am in church tagging along side my pious mother as she prays fervently to these saints statues to have her wishes and sorrow be answered in the most significant albeit random way. And like all god-given children we are to pray obediently to our master and pray our mastered prays, In my school we we're forced as part of the curriculum to take part religiously to our christian living activities ( to me it seemed like an ordinary Jesus-did-this-and-you-better-not-forget-that subject) everyone is ecstatic since their friends are near and they would change seats in order to listen to anothers stories. I, on the other hand sat there plainly bored as ever yet attentively listening to these parrots of christ.

But what made me go there was for the 'Brothers' yes those seminarians they're such a waste of good looking, down to earth, happy go luck men! Whilst we stuck with this sex starved version of a man or boys...

Anyways, I stood there brooding once again while shyly looking around for some cute, mysterious and unique faces of both young and old. You see I had a fetish for somethings and these fetishes made me happy...I adore at looking at people trying to get a glimpse inside their eyes and read their souls like an open book...It was a habit of mine to read a person's face and understand what they meant I was fully aware that I was born accursed as a girl and no doubt would lose an important part of myself if I wasn't careful enough.

There they are swarming around this dimly litted church with black bats hanging around the ceilings as their nest. This church where I always walked passed and never bothered with the church that I've always run to whenever I didn't want to listen to the gospels...this church where my supposed father in heaven reigns over. The almighty powerful church of God and he who pisses God off crawls back to him in no time.

I'm serious! I'm serious! I'm serious!

"Are you done yet, Agnes?" I asked in a whispered tone while I stood beside her ignoring the old wooden sculp of the Mother of Regla. "Are you done yet?"

Ignoringly she continued her prayers the next minute she walked away from that point to go across the room and said her farewell to all the statues then back to me, and without saying a word grabs my hand and we dashed for the sacred room. I love that room it was the best place to sleep in without the guards annoying us even though it was prayer room people could lift their burdens in sleep while praying to the Sacred Heart.

As always we took those square cushions and placed ourselves near the cold marble walls. Mother continued praying whilst I started to imagine.

'Damn...wonder when she's done...man am I fat? (groan) geez what's with this skirt eww those guys we're looking at my legs dumb fucks! shit! shit! no cursing in the head! no cursing in the head! Ah geez sorry dad couldn't help it!'

Okay, I was quite the oddball I loved clothes but it didnt help that people stare at me as a weirdo, an sex object, or another wannabe but who knows I never understood other people anyway. I was dressed to kill that day even though we were always just going to church I could've settle for less but I have no idea why I keep on dressing up like one of those J-poppers on the internet it made me no less adorable or at worst just a damn tease to old men.

My body is nothing to boast about it is not perfect nor is it horrendous. It is as it is and have always been my body even if Time had ravage my body in its mercilessly whoring for change and stagnation. But one thing Time couldn't destroy was my mind I was glad that change was merciful and through my own faults seek wisdom in them through the eyes of my mind and silence.

I felt my mother reached for me cause she abruptly stood and finally broke the spell of wisdom fuelling my mind with pictures. I trotted behind like a good girl and wore my footwear as it is on my foot and met her outside the doors of this sacred place and as we walked past it to visit another important of this church I never failed to see those atheistic asians with their camera's and take footage inside our church.

Sometimes I feel that their smugness for having too much money and time to waste anywhere they pleased would always lead them into suicide someday. I wished ever so much that God would strike down those who gave into his side only for it to be a laughing stock for those who had not crossed to see...I hated them very much...

We we're finally going home I felt relieved and happy to be go back home. I've always been afraid of the sun going down it always meant going home and living here was different because I had to catch a ride quickly so I wouldnt be stuck in a traffic jam and this country always had them ever since the jeeps popularity increased and by the time I was around adulthood they had slowly evolved into a bad boy persona every driver wants to be, in the streets the cars we're remodeled and its engines we're change to suit the taste of these air devilish drivers.

The streets we're dark the jeep we took had a few passengers so the fresh street city air greeted me through the jeeps opened windows...Thick air slicing through our skins with the dirt they carried through since yesterday had slowly accumulated itself. Everything seemed normal but I knew there was something going on between mother and daughter. Looking at my mother's aged face I can sense the hardships she had had all her life they we're signs that she was almost sick of life and yet when I try to peer through her dark brown eyes they tell me that she understood everything was meant to be. I envied her. I wanted to grow up so much that I would do anything I want after this old woman let's go of me I can do everything I want and no one will ever tell me what to do...once I grow old

oh the muses!!!!!!!!!!

Oh! The debonaire!

Life have been simple for me. KKK do you know what that stands for? In my dialect it's Kaon, Katug, Kalibang!!! (Eat, Sleep, Shit.) Do you know what I hate the most? EVERYTHING. Why? because I said so...Okay, maybe not everything but I've always had this feeling of hate/love relationship with everyone and everything.

'People die'

My mantra, If you don't believe then you suck!

My life as I said is simple...Live life and then do what you can do with it KKK was the easy thing to say but then I have to explain it deeply for you. DEAR.AUDIENCE.
I am an open person---to myself and to the people----way too open. People might mistake my mind as an hell hole for the thrash I've consumed over the years from watching tv and southpark ( Southpark rocks you don't! ) This life could've continue like it had always been...Me failing school, getting behind classes, dream about on my chair, doodle shit on paper, and having no friends. That was the best part no friends it made me feel lonely but strong inside because I was doing stuff I like without another idiot hanging around me alot and talking about their home, houses, and stuff they've already thrown away...yeah it could be I was cynical too but I was young then and had peanuts for brain and still even now.

Being unfriendly was a trademark it made me like the j-princess of darkness cause I had a strong japanese features as they say and straight hair with streaks of perfect golden strands. It was the original plan my mom had cooked up as she experimented with dye to see how good it would look on her and her daughter was a perfect model. I , of course was reluctant and stupid enough to have fallen for her smoothering anger on me. So I grew like a popular princess on our street then as I reached my pre-teen years mom grimaced as she saw traces of baby fats undiminising from behind, side, front and almost every where---I was fat---end of story.

So I lost that golden popularity amongst my family and colleagues, but even if that happened I was never happy but glad because I was sick of being tag as a cute little girl ripped out from the pages and films of popular books and characters. I hated that but I never knew at once. Anger must've blinded me.

Now sitting in front of this computer I angst in glee as it is my hobby to angst all out without understanding what I've just typed.

My life I can say is the most boring of all and I like it that way with a hint of wishfulness that someday I'd get a man to have fun with and if I'm bored to kick around at.

It looks CREEPY!!!! I like using the pen tool a lot ever since I started to do lineart images with my sketches after a while I got bored plus major head aches and decided to quit art. Last time it was writing then quitted then back to art then quit again and again hah! It really creeps me out my own pieces of art!!! I don't even think its art it's total crap!!!!!!

I came home feeling empty after hanging out with my friends at the mall. Everyone was having fun but I don't think the birthday girl was although she gave off a calm aura. It's been a month since we all last saw each other but it feels like eons!!! I had trouble making up my head whether I should go or not, but then I really wanted to wear my goth-fits yet my mom she told me I couldn't and she wouldn't chaperone me even if she wanted cause of that. It totally sucked we had a fit over cause I complained while throwing a fit behind her she overheard it and came back to punch me but she didn't and thank goodness! After that I cried myself to sleep (Hahaha ^__^;) When I think about it I know I was in the wrong I couldn't explain the things I really wanted to- even towards those open minded ones I really can't it must be because I have trouble communicating with people ( Though I'm kinda superficial in talking...). It was trippy last night cause I was blaming him suddenly since I brought him up on a conversation with a friend I never realized I was just hurting myself again. Those mental and emotional torments we're happening with a twist of negativeness... And I came to her birthday hang-out at the arcade saw a lot of fashionized teenage confirmist some wearing big printed shirts in caps saying 'Proud to be a...' here and there (Their pretty much shit to me even though its my own race...baaaah!!! ) Anyway, When I got home I went straight upstairs but after checking if the internet was plugged on so I went up and opened the previous photoshop tutorial tabs. Did some tweaking on some pics here and there and pretty much getting all uptight about my war with mom...As of now she told me she was the unforgiving type...It'll only be for awhile till our heads cool off for now I'd rather tweak some pics and master CS3

This style is called vintage I found it using on tutorial (sorry but I forgot to get the name and url I was in a random fit anyways) But this one v is my favorite XDDDDD

Trip to Bacolod City

We had a mission...Our mission was to securely Fedex my Aunt's credentials to WES...In Bacolod City where Western Negros College (something close to that) offered a fast sure way to get yourself shipped to where ever you pleased countries. Yes, They offer ladderized (instant one week) Nursing programmes. The city felt like a normal province town when night came there were less people on the street other's had dark camouflages on, but being in a different clean town makes me long for Cebu's fine aromatic streets those hazzy lights from the RLD and the silly noises at night ( a baby's wail, lover's quarrelling, and unfamiliar screamings) even then I wasn't afraid not even if someone had been shot across the street, pumelled and worst...But let me continue about Bacolod City... I woke up after my mother kicked the side of my futson, I sat up glancing at her saying "Are we there yet?" mother yelled at me to take a bath fast because we we're running late since the ferry would depart on 7:30 or else we'd have to take the afternoon ride. Their first plan was to stay at least two days in Bacolod City if we had enough time we would take a ride straight to Dumaugete City so we would be close to San Tander in Cebu. Maybe we failed, but I think it's up to my Aunt to decide she should've been responsible with her credentials. She wonders HSE document was with us it wasn't my mother's fault but the lady that told us she was the one who would Fedex the documents anyways it's all been past. Aunt will find a way. Our first stop was San Carlos City there we rode a trisikad to the terminal to cath those yellow Ceres buses and of course we choose the non-airconditioned so after the ride me and my mom's hair we're all sticky and dusty but good thing I had that leave on conditioner. Saved. The place was totally different! Everyone spoke a weird lingo that seemed like chinese-filipino and I was like "Crap?!What the hell are they saying?!"

Rinslette Maisonn (Miiiiitaaaanngg T_T)

Ugh...sorry? I tried hard with the coloring i just suuuck even though I was going for a digital art one uuugh I eventually turned to lineart craaaaaaaaap and sorry for being a cheap bastard but I had to lower the size cause the laptop gets funky! O3O but whats important waaas I finished her for a few hours XD yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! O______________O uuuuuugh!!!!!! the whole pic is 2x3 portrait cs3 pleeeaase bring yer waaacomm when u get here XDDDD PWEEEEAAASSEEEE!!!!!